STOA Newsletter #205

Sydmeladlperho

Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. On the eve of the federal election, this week it had to be all about Canberra.

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Shit Town: Canberra

Existing solely as a last resort capital compromise between Sydney and Melbourne, Canberra somehow manages to be Australia’s smut capital and most boring city at the same time. It’s known for being the country’s only ‘planned’ city, with the unfortunate consequence that its neatly ordered streets and sprawling suburbs that stretch halfway to Sydney have rendered the nation’s capital an antiseptic bore with all the charm of a failed Soviet state.

The planned city received a whole slew of idiotic proposed names that somehow made ‘Canberra’ seem like a good option, including Home, Austral, Andy Man, Unison and Frazer Roo. One joker even proposed the horrific portmanteau Sydmeladperho, a name so massively shithouse it might have actually been able to accurately reflect Canberra's shitness. Instead, the powers-that-were plumped for Canberra, a name derived from the Aboriginal ‘Nganbara’ meaning ‘boobs’, an appropriate nod to its sleazy reputation.

Populated entirely by overpaid and underworked bureaucrats, parasitic scandal-embroiled politicians, ex-prime ministers, soon-to-be ex-prime ministers, sweaty porn barons, Chinese spies and kangaroos, Canberra is a town that celebrates flagrant corruption, rampant nepotism and beige blandness. The boring burg is renowned for revelling in the sort of culture that people only pretend to like so they can root uni students. The most prominent attractions are snooze-inducing dusty museums and stuffy art galleries, great fun for pseudo-intellectual dryballs (of which Canberra has an abundance) and punishment for everyone else. Canberra’s lack of nightlife means they are only able to attract rugby league players who aren’t interested in hanging out with outlaw bikie gangs or getting into public brawls, which is probably why they haven’t won a comp since 1994.

There are only three reasons to visit Canberra: for a mandatory school trip, to roll the prime minister, or on a nefarious mish to Fyshwick. Originally built as a concentration camp for German prisoners in 1918, the eerily uninhabited suburb of Fyshwick is a great place to buy a used car to do a drive-by, a shipment of no-longer-legal fireworks or a bale of hardcore pornography. Fyshwick was Australia’s undisputed porn mecca in the days before the internet or personal defoliation, which is why Canberra is known as the ‘Bush Capital’. The sordid suburb is also home to a shopping centre called COC, appropriately located on Iron Knob Street. Fyshwick’s influence is evident throughout the city: Belconnen proudly hosts an infamous penis-shaped owl sculpture, while Canberra celebrated its centenary in 2013 by commissioning a giant hot air balloon covered in tits.

From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.

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Top 10 Things to Do in Canberra

1. Go to Sydney

2. Go to Melbourne

3. Go to Batemans Bay

4. Roll the Prime Minister

5. Squander taxpayers’ money on a series of unsound projects designed to placate voters in a marginal seat

6. Impregnate a junior staff member

7. Pick up the latest copy of Grannies Get Fanny in Fyshwick

8. Pass legislation that allows wealthy interest groups to show blatant disregard for your constituents

9. Fondle the Penis Owl

10. Drunkenly fall off a planter box while slurring swear words into your phone

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Top 10 Rejected Names for Canberra

1. Andy Man

2. Frazer Roo

3. West Queanbeyan

4. Sydmeladlperho

5. Straya City

6. Wankberra

7. Cansylvania

8. Cuntberra

9. Bush Pyongyang

10. Titty Town

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Shit Town Power Rankings

1. Melbourne, VIC — Neo-Nazi dickhead disrupts Anzac Day dawn service, drongos nationwide respond by getting mad at Indigenous culture; random shitcunt allegedly knocks out 92-year-old woman on street

2. Townsville, QLD — Anzac Day parade diverted due to stolen car rampage; lunatic breaks into lesbian couple’s home to watch them root

3. Ipswich, QLD — Cops find 7-year-old girl crammed behind passenger seat of single cab ute; delivery driver allegedly delivers bag of shit to house after being sacked for stealing their order

4. Warrnambool, VIC — Naked gronk allegedly smashes up massage parlour, assaults woman and cops

5. Wollongong, NSW — Male barrister arrested twice for creeping around while wearing trench coat, pink bra and no pants

6. Perth, WA — Drongo drives off jetty while fleeing cops

7. Sydney, NSW — 2 gronks and 3 gronkettes charged after brawl at U7s footy game

8. Shepparton, VIC — Bungling burglar beaten by elderly woman with stick after getting stuck in window while breaking into house

9. Hobart, TAS — Feral teen charged after posting video of himself tearing up primary school field on dirt bike; Tasmaniac charged after allegedly ‘surfing’ on top of multiple buses

10. Port Pirie, SA — Still shit

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Fan Mail: Canberra

A Facebook message we received in response to our Canberra coverage.