Congratulations to Moe on being voted Victoria’s Shittest Town for 2021! This was our tightest race yet, with Moe just pipping Shepparton to the post. Moe will represent Victoria in the national finals later in the year. Here are the full results:
Moe: 16%
Shepparton: 15%
Wodonga: 10%
Ararat: 7%
Mildura: 7%
Colac: 6%
Bendigo: 5%
Morwell: 5%
Ballarat: 5%
Horsham: 4%
Seymour: 4%
Traralgon: 3%
Stawell: 3%
Wonthaggi: 3%
Portland: 2%
Sale: 2%
Warrnambool: 2%
Hamilton: 1%
Scroll down to revisit our Moe review. We’ve also reviewed Katoomba in this newsletter, to mark when the Winter Magic Festival would have taken place if it weren’t cancelled due to covid restrictions and/or general shitness.
If you’re wondering about the absence of the likes of defending champ Frankston in the above poll, it will instead feature in the poll for Melbourne’s Shittest Suburb in next week’s newsletter. If you know anyone who’d want in on this vote, get them to sign up at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
The Armadildos Strike Back
Recently, you voted Armadale as Perth’s Shittest Suburb for 2021. Last week the local state MP had a sook about it, and this week it was his federal counterpart’s turn. Matt Keogh raised the hugely important issue of our ‘offensive’ poll in Parliament, even referencing our Armadale review, before being kicked off the podium for swearing. It’s well worth a watch.
You can read what he wanted to say on his Facebook page.
I’ll just leave this here:
Shit Town: Katoomba
Katoomba is the name of a crater on Mars. It’s also the name of a crater in the Blue Mountains that masquerades as a town. Renowned for its miserable grey skies and bracing chill, the frigid shithole is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass junkie.
If you’ve ever been to Lithgow, picture Lithgow. That’s Katoomba. The only real difference is the people: instead of hillbilly shard monkeys, Katoomba is infested by wannabe poets, artists, musicians, environmentalists, retirees and other assorted dole bludgers—as well as hillbilly shard monkeys. Increasingly, Katoomba is also being invaded by cashed-up Sydneysiders and pseudo-celebrities, as well as pretentious hipsters opening the type of cafes where you can get a gluten-free panini served on an old hubcap with a side of 5G conspiracy theories.
As the closest thing in the Blue Mountains to civilisation, Katoomba is inundated with tourists on any given day—mostly white-haired walking-stick-wielders shuffling about aimlessly in gigantic groups. One of the most popular sights is the Three Sisters, a trio of sandstone shafts and also something you can enjoy at the local brothel.
Katoomba’s primary event is the Winter Magic Festival, an excuse for ageing hippies to slap on a masque, smoke a blunt and bang a belly dancer. The confused Katoombans also hold a Christmas festival called Yulefest in the middle of the year, a recurring mistake caused by the region’s permanent winter. Outside of event season, there is so little to do that residents are forced to resort to drastic measures like commuting to Penrith.
Throwback: Moe
If Australia were a Monopoly board, the Latrobe Valley would definitely be the brown squares. Among the Smelly Valley’s chief latrines is Moe, a shit town extraordinaire that ticks every box on the shit list: from drug and crime problems, massive unemployment, constant rain and air pollution, to a sex pest–heavy population that sifts about town in the traditional local attire of pyjamas and puffer vests.
Pronounced ‘Mowee’, ‘Moe’ is an old Indigenous word meaning ‘shithole’. Appropriately, it shares its name with the most depressed character on The Simpsons, as well as a Japanese term for an unhealthy sexual attraction to underage cartoon characters. ‘Moe’ is also a well-known acronym for ‘Moccasins On Everyone’, though an equally accurate version would be ‘Meth Overdoses Everyday’. In 2007 it was proposed that the town change its name from Moe to Moet to mooch off the reputation of the famous champagne brand, the sort of bogan logic that leads people to name their unplanned newborns Chardonnay or Schapelle and expect them not to become strippers or drug mules. Unfortunately, the plan was shot down by a section of angry locals who felt that aligning with a classy product like champagne would give visitors the wrong impression of Moe. It was then proposed renaming the town to something more fitting, like Monster Energy Mango Loco, but Monster declined to be involved because being associated with Moe would be bad for their image.
Moe was founded as a swampy gold diggers’ piss stop, a suitably miserable origin for a seriously miserable town. This history is immortalised at Old Gippstown, a historical park that tries to make locals feel better by pretending that living in squalor is novel and fun. Visitors to Old Gippstown can see a goldminer’s meth lab, Australia’s first Centrelink and the first place someone successfully made love to an ugg boot. Today, the town has barely changed—it can be hard to tell where the primitive shacks of Old Gippstown end and the primitive shacks of ‘modern’ Moe begin.
M.O.E.—Move Over Ethiopia!
Shit Town Power Rankings
Armadale, WA — ‘Offended’ federal MP reprimanded by Speaker for quoting Shit Towns of Australia in Parliament
Perth, WA — Elderly man deliberately set on fire; aggro SUV driver filmed pushing over e-scooter rider and running over his scooter; man arrested after allegedly pulling out weapon in brothel
Townsville, QLD — Cops break up 25-strong brawl in Macca’s drive-thru; youths seen pushing trolleys off shopping centre car park; feral kids cause $10k damage by breaking into businesses and stealing a biscuit
Adelaide, SA — Two taxis stolen in same suburb within an hour in unrelated incidents; pest defends himself in court after wanking in CBD thoroughfare
Officer, VIC — Idiot tries to light fire at service station
Dulwich Hill, NSW — YouTuber arrested by anti-terrorism squad for ‘stalking’ Deputy Premier
Kalgoorlie, WA — Gronk accused of ram-raiding security gate at police station before smashing through door and picking fight with a cop
Cairns, QLD — Victorian hospitalised after allegedly scaling wall to escape quarantine; menace charged after alleged year-long vandalism spree including throwing rocks at cars, supergluing locks, spray painting a horse and painting a lace monitor lizard
Mildura, VIC — Gronk bashes father-in-law for eating his pickles
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
3% for Wonthaggi, ooh I get it. Only humans get to vote. Not many in Wonthaggi.
This is my favourite