Congratulations to Frankston on being voted Victoria’s Shittest Suburb for 2021, by some margin! Frankston will represent Shit-toria in the poll for Australia’s Shittest Suburb later in the year. Here are the full results:
Frankston: 15.5%
Toorak: 10%
Broadmeadows: 8%
Sunshine: 7%
Melton: 7%
Corio: 6.5%
St Kilda: 6%
Dandenong: 5.5%
Werribee: 5%
Boronia: 5%
Epping: 4%
Pakenham: 3.5%
Doveton: 3%
Norlane: 3%
Dallas: 3%
Cranbourne: 3%
St Albans: 3%
Craigieburn: 2%
Scroll down to revisit our Frankston review — right after a brand new write-up for our surprise silver medallist, Toorak.
Don’t miss next week’s newsletter to vote for Victoria’s Shittest City! Can Melbourne out-shit Geelong? How will the City of Frankston fare? If you know any gum-sucking cabbage-patchers who’d want in on this vote, get them to sign up at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Suburb: Toorak
A bastion of entitled snobs since the 1880s, Toorak is synonymous with black Range Rovers, vaginal rejuvenation and old-money toffs. Comprised of tree-lined streets and colonial mansions adorned with swimming pools and tennis courts, Melbourne’s most exclusive suburb is packed with lecherous lawyers, real estate agents and cosmetic surgeons plotting to leave their current trophy wives for the latest model, proving that while you might be able to buy a brand-new SUV, you can’t buy class. A common sight in the suburb is desperate housewives, who think living inside their postcode affords them a superior status, sneering at the commoners as they drive their Toorak tractors down the rugged terrain of Toorak Road on their way to bottomless brunch with the girls.
A cradle of future prime ministers and insider traders, Toorak is the perfect place to live if you have trouble remembering whether Chardonnay is your racehorse or your mistress. The adultery capital of Victoria is actually named after the average number of breast augmentations for his mistresses the average male resident has paid for.
Recently, old mansions in Toorak have been demolished and replaced with avant-garde architectural edifices to house the nouveau riche trying to slather themselves in the reflected respectability of the welded-on upper class. Unfortunately for this bevy of tech entrepreneurs and crooked bankers, no amount of filthy lucre will ever make them inbred enough to ever really fit in.
Less Beverly Hills and more Vaucluse without the sea views, Toorak is where Melbourne hides its pretentious blue bloods and their well-heeled offspring so they can’t bother the regular folk just trying to go about their lives.
Throwback: Frankston
Situated in Melbourne’s sphincter, Frankston is known as ‘the gateway to the Mornington Peninsula’ by people who don’t realise that any trip down the M11 is almost certain not to involve an offramp in Frankghanistan. Given the habits of Frankstoners, a more accurate slogan would be ‘the gateway to the morning-after pill’. Indeed, the suburb’s nickname Franga—also slang for condom—is extremely ironic as people who live there think using protection involves carrying knuckledusters and ‘contraception’ is the name of a Leonardo DiCaprio movie. On the other hand, Franga is an appropriate name because Frankston is also used to gather up all the gross shit you don’t want making another human being.
Frankston North (a.k.a. ‘The Pines’) is the proverbial pube in the poo stew, the part of Frankston that even Frankstoners make Frankston jokes about. The Pines boasts a bounty of rub-and-tug joints, endless traffic chicanes and roundabouts to entertain street racers, and ample outdoor spaces for students of rival high schools to engage in fights. Not far away are the nightlife hotspots of the train station (with a free hep-C screening clinic usefully located across the road) and the hospital emergency department. Amid all of the effluent is the affluent enclave of Olivers Hill, where Frankston keeps its minority population of rich bastards conveniently grouped for burglary purposes.
Despite the flesh-eating bacteria in the water, Frankston Beach is a popular social spot for shitfaced sex pests and other miscellaneous maniacs. For eleven years Frankston residents showcased their expertise at manipulating powdery substances with Australia’s biggest sandcastle competition, where locals created massive sand sculptures depicting their favourite things, such as giant dongs, crack pipes and Centrelink application forms. The event was moved to a new location in 2018 after a judge was pricked by a used needle embedded in a mermaid.
Fan Mail: Eastern Suburbs
Shit Town Power Rankings: State of Origin Special
Ipswich, QLD — Near-naked mum-of-6 pulled over for dangerous driving, shits in street, tells cop to lick it up
Otford, NSW — Two naked blokes rescued from bush and fined for breaching covid rules after being ‘startled by a deer’ while ‘sunbathing’
Proserpine, QLD — Drunk woman arrested after using her pet horse to attack kids who laughed at her for taking a piss outside servo
Sydney, NSW — Man claiming to be God issues cease and desist order to Police Commissioner during press conference; tour company fined for taking 3 busloads of people to Dubbo
Townsville, QLD — Bloke fills skills tester machine with loo rolls; patron threatened with police tasers after allegedly destroying pub toilet; woman shamed online after rooting married dad in Bunnings dunny
Armidale, NSW — Federal MP fined for not wearing a mask; state MP gets the Bondi flu
Burpengary, QLD — Gronk allegedly attacks man with electric chainsaw after punching and biting him
Albury, NSW — Drunk driver crashes into tree, keeps drinking until cops arrive
Wondai, QLD — Woman accused of putting up fake check-in QR codes in pub that instead led to anti-vax website
Orange, NSW — Cops called after drunk customer keeps doing laps of Macca’s drive-thru