Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
After you voted Caboolture as Queensland’s Shittest Town, it’s now time for the Shittest City category. We’ve compiled ten of Queensland’s crappiest major cities and regions into a formidable shortlist of shit — scroll to the end of this email to vote!
(Now seems like a good time to plug our Logan merch.)
Also this week: we finally review Taree, revisit Coffs Harbour and showcase a selection of finely crafted Facebook feedback from the erudite denizens of Deception Bay.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
New Book
Pre-order Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip:
Booktopia (Australia)
Mighty Ape (New Zealand)
Book Depository (worldwide)
New NZ Book
In addition to our new Aussie road trip book, we are stoked to announce its New Zealand counterpart releases 2 November!
Shit Towns of New Zealand: The Great Kiwi Tiki Tour covers the whole of New Zealand with five major road trips. Each has a handy map and in-depth coverage of classic Kiwi attractions and events, all in our trademark tongue-in-cheek acerbic style.
From the world’s creepiest Santa to the country’s most famous toilet, this guide takes in Aotearoa’s favourite, weirdest and shittiest tourist drawcards. A must-have for every traveller, from the authors of Shit Towns of New Zealand and Shit Towns of Australia.
Pre-order now:
Booktopia (Australia)
Mighty Ape (New Zealand)
Book Depository (worldwide)
Shit Town: Taree
Taree is synonymous with oysters, arseholes and unemployment. The town’s primary produce is commemorated by the Big Oyster, an attempted tourist attraction that was originally an unsuccessful restaurant and souvenir shop but has since converted to a car dealership because nobody visits Taree. With a mouthful of windows that look disturbingly like teeth, the yonic monument is reviled by residents and commonly referred to as the ‘Big Mistake’, a nickname that also works for Taree itself as well as each of its inhabitants.
Aside from being infested with disgusting slimy molluscs, Taree’s Manning River hosts rowing and powerboat events, in which rich people from other towns compete to slalom between semi-submerged syringes, turds and carcasses as quickly as possible. The town’s other major event is the Taree Show, featuring such popular activities as cattle judging—the swimsuit section is a particular local favourite.
When they’re not busy shucking shellfish or lusting over livestock, Taree’s unemployed inhabitants enjoy bumming darts in supermarket car parks, chugging grog from paper bags in the park, or just staying home and honing their domestic violence skills. A popular local tradition is pelting passing buses with rocks and bottles, then doing the same to emergency services when they turn up. Tareeans also enjoy a spot of segregation, with the Indigenous community banished to one side of town and shunned when they enter pubs. When you arrive in Taree, remember to set your watch back 80 years.
From our new book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available to pre-order now.
Throwback: Coffs Harbour
Coffs Harbour is synonymous with bananas, blueberries and Bulldogs. The city’s most famous feature is the Big Banana Fun Park, a B-grade family attraction built around a giant phallic fruit sculpture and showcasing all the fun things you can do with a banana, at least two of which are appropriate for children. Other sad attractions include a marine mammal slave camp, and the Clog Barn, which celebrates everything about Holland except the fun stuff.
‘Coffs Harbour’ is a misspelling of ‘Coughs Harbour’, so named because the town’s entire settler population had smallpox. Consequently they were shunned by their neighbouring settlements, causing a profound hostility that persists to this day. Coffs Harbourians are some of the most unfriendly, arrogant and judgemental bastards one could have the misfortune to meet. They are fiercely proud of their city, despite it lacking any points of interest beyond a big yellow dong, a highway with 700 sets of traffic lights, an NRL scandal and a legacy of birth defects from toxic pesticides. Coffs is a comatose beachside ghetto and cultural wasteland with nothing to do but truckloads of meth. Indeed, it might be the only place where there are no jobs but everyone still judges you for not having one. The only thing going for Coffs Harbour is that no NRL team will ever hold a Mad Monday there again.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Fan Mail: Deception Bay
Shit Town Power Rankings
Townsville, QLD — MP charged over alleged pub fight; grub steal boy’s wheelchair; man caught flouting lockdown after someone finds his meth-filled wallet; gronk steals police car from station and crashes it into police car at army base
Perth, WA — Video shows drongo clinging to roof of car doing burnout; man charged after allegedly trying to overthrow federal government by impersonating police; teens break into church for drunken orgy
Toowoomba, QLD — Serial pest jailed after stealing and wearing women’s underwear and poking a stick up his bum while jacking off in public park
Deception Bay, QLD — Gronk steals postal van, runs over postie
Cairns, QLD — Aspiring porn star pleads guilty to spitting on ambo
Airlie Beach, QLD — Crackpot goes on crossbow rampage in shopping mall; drunk caught pushing trolley of stolen beer down busy street
Wollongong, NSW — Tradie allegedly fakes having covid to get off work
Dubbo, NSW — Grog monster faces court after sinking 20 cans and crashing bus into Macca’s drive-thru
Queenstown, TAS — Maniac smashes 21 hotel windows with machete
Port Pirie, SA — Tanker leaks 4500 litres of sulphuric acid across South Australia; still shit
Vote: Queensland’s Shittest City
Click/tap on a city’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 16/8. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is Queensland’s Shittest City?