STOA Newsletter #30

QLD's Shittest City + Forster-Tuncurry

It’s the end of an era. After taking the title of Shit Town of the Year for two years running, Logan has finally been dethroned after losing to Townsville in this year’s poll for Queensland’s Shittest City. Perennial power rankings powerhouse Townsville will go on to represent Queensland in the poll for Australia’s Shittest City later in the year. Here are the full results:

Townsville: 34%
Logan: 23%
Ipswich: 11%
Gold Coast: 10%
Sunshine Coast: 5%
Toowoomba: 5%
Brisbane: 4%
Cairns: 4%
Moreton Bay: 2%
Redlands: 2%

Scroll down to revisit our Townsville review, right after a brand new write-up for the twin turds of Forster and Tuncurry in NSW.

Don’t miss next week’s newsletter to vote for Queensland’s Shittest Suburb! If you know anyone who’d want in on this vote, get them to sign up at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe

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Shit Towns: Forster-Tuncurry

Despite sounding like an overweight detective on a mediocre British dramedy, Forster-Tuncurry is actually a dodgy little beach resort town on the Mid North Coast. A ratshit Gold Coast for yobs from Newcastle, Forster-Tuncurry resembles the Glitter Strip if you deleted all the nightlife, entertainment and anything remotely interesting. Rather than existing as a single shithole, Forster-Tuncurry is actually a pair of conjoined shitters linked by an eyesore of a concrete bridge across Wallis Lake, a double disappointment for anyone foolish enough to book a holiday.

Forster-Tuncurry is a major producer of oysters, which might explain the rampant horniness among the elderly population, who are just as aroused by aphrodisiac shellfish as they are by negative gearing and the twin towns’ abundance of saggy skin. Ironically, during the summer tourist season Forster-Tuncurry’s population swells like a Viagra-induced hard-on and, much like an older gentleman with an artificially induced stiffy, the towns struggle to deal with the sudden rush of excitement. Popular tourist activities include catching herpes from a tradie from Cessnock, stealing an old fart’s mobility scooter or getting in a fistfight with a pelican.

From our new book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available to pre-order now.

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Throwback: Townsville

Photo credit: denisbin/Flickr (CC BY-ND 2.0)

Townsville (or Towntown in English) was named after Robert Towns, a notorious slave trader who was well-known for the practice of ‘blackbirding’, which is Australian for abducting South Sea Islanders and forcing them to work on your sugar cane plantations. In true shit town fashion, Townsville honoured their namesake with a bronze statue for his services to racism.

Townsville has been dubbed the unofficial capital of the ‘Tropical North’ complete with all the horror that entails — oppressive heat, nightmarish disease, and wildlife that devours wayward tourists. And that’s just Flinders Street on a Friday night. Also nicknamed ‘Brownsville’ due to its arid climate rather than the complexion of its residents, Townsville has an annual rainfall comparable to the dustier parts of the Sahara, aside from the handful of days when it’s pelted with the sort of Biblical monsoons that would get Noah’s arsehole twitching.

Unlike its neighbour Cairns, Townsville has not been overwhelmed by tourism — for good reason. Aside from being a Kmart Cairns, Townsville is known as a hotbed of youth crime and car theft, which makes it an ideal place to stop if you want an insurance payout. Townsville is the only place in Australia where every high school has its own youth court, juvenile prison and parole office — the only reason they aren’t all packed is because no one goes to school. The city’s main tourist attraction is Reef HQ, the only living coral reef in captivity — in Townsville, even the reefs are in gaol.

Townsville also has an impressive collection of defunct sports teams, including the A-League’s Northern Fury Football Club (who were not very angry and only vaguely played football) and the Townsville Crocodiles (who managed a staggering zero titles in largely mediocre 23 seasons). The pride of Townsville is the North Queensland Cowboys, who are best known for getting thumped by the Broncos and fingered by John Hopoate.

From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.

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Shit Town Power Rankings

1. Sydney, NSW — Anti-vax idiot punches healthcare worker at covid testing site; women fined after flying to Melbourne while covid-positive; alleged fake doctor caught working at hospital; creepy cops busted after picking up 17yo schoolgirl for sex

2. Canberra, ACT — Woman refuses to check in at store, claiming to be a sovereign state; 17yo P-plater arrested after doing 103km/h in 80 zone with 6 passengers and one headlight while 4 times over alcohol limit; loose unit appears in court after headbutting random pub patron, getting kicked out for doing a shoey, stripping down to underwear and going on vandalism spree

3. Adelaide, SA — Psycho allegedly runs down three separate cyclists; nuffies arrested after separately trying to sell rare Digimon cards to the store they stole them from

4. Hobart, TAS — Tasmaniac jailed after threatening to stab bloke in the throat with scissors for pissing in a park; mad gronk arrested after hitting man in the head with a scooter

5. Cairns, QLD — Man hit by car that allegedly tried to jump queue at covid testing clinic

6. Rottnest Island, WA — Dipshit teen forces quokka to vape

7. Toowoomba, QLD — Man allegedly caught with ice in car, shotgun in house and 12 gauge cartridge up his bumhole

8. Kununurra, WA — Footy team appeals grand final loss after umpire found to be drunk

9. Lang Lang, VIC — Brewer told to change beer label after kid ‘mistakes it for Milo’ and chugs a can

10. Port Pirie, SA — Still shit

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New Book

Pre-order Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip:

Booktopia (Australia)
Mighty Ape (New Zealand)
Book Depository (worldwide)