Congratulations to Byron Bay on being voted New South Wales’ Shittest Town for 2021, just edging out its Northern Rivers neighbour Nimbin! Byron will take on Caboolture, Kalgoorlie, Moe, Port Pirie, Queenstown and Tennant Creek in the vote for Australia’s Shittest Town later in the year. Here are the full NSW results:
Byron Bay: 8.5%
Nimbin: 8%
Dubbo: 5%
Queanbeyan: 4%
Lithgow: 4%
Nowra: 3.5%
Cessnock: 3.5%
Bourke: 3%
Coffs Harbour: 3%
Kempsey: 3%
Broken Hill: 3%
Moree: 3%
Raymond Terrace: 3%
Wyong: 3%
Gosford: 2.5%
Grafton: 2.5%
Griffith: 2.5%
Mullumbimby: 2.5%
Taree: 2.5%
Albury: 2%
Casino: 2%
Lismore: 2%
Goulburn: 2%
Ballina: 2%
Tweed Heads: 2%
Wagga Wagga: 2%
Woy Woy: 2%
Armidale: 1.5%
Port Macquarie: 1.5%
Muswellbrook: 1.5%
Tamworth: 1.5%
Orange: 1.5%
Singleton: 1%
Bathurst: 1%
Forster: 1%
Katoomba: 1%
Maitland: 1%
Inverell: 0.5%
Tuncurry: 0.5%
Parkes: 0.5%
Check out our Byron Bay write-up here (hit the link and scroll down).
Don’t miss next week’s newsletter to vote for New South Wales’ Shittest City! If you know any city slickers who’d want in on this vote, get them to sign up at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Suburb: St Kilda
Also known as Crap Coney Island, Shit Santa Monica or Budget Bondi, St Kilda is a trendy Melbourne beachside enclave inundated with hipsters glomming onto the suburb’s ‘heroin chic’ reputation (which is really just heroin at this point). Anything resembling actual character has been swept aside in a tide of gentrification, the bohemians and sex workers pushed out by the offspring of wealthy families desperately trying to live out their Bukowski fantasies. Despite featuring a beach strewn with medical waste and a main street littered with human refuse, St Kilda is still considered a desirable locale by the sort of people who call themselves ‘creatives’ even though they work in advertising.
St Kilda’s premier attraction is Luna Park, a kitschy amusement park famous for its horrifying ‘Mr Moon’ sculpted face entranceway, which has contributed to the nightmares of countless children and doped-up stoners who thought it would be funny to get munted and spend all day riding the Great Scenic Railway. Another popular place is St Kilda Pier, the perfect vantage point to watch the tide wash the assorted garbage in from Port Phillip Bay. The pier is also home to a colony of penguins, which makes a change from its usual disgusting denizens such as junkies, hobos and unicyclists.
St Kilda is also home to a legion of long-suffering fans of a terrible AFL team that has managed only one flag amidst decades and decades of mediocrity.
From our new book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available to pre-order now.
Throwback: Lismore
Wedged between attention hogs Byron Bay and Nimbin, Lismore is the forgotten middle child, the central one in a human centipede, the anus between two butt cheeks. It’s the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) of the Northern Rivers, a town whose sole purpose is to make its neighbours look good by comparison.
Built in a big hole on the site of a destroyed rainforest, Lismore is a subtropical shitbox prone to frequent flooding, earning it the nickname Atlantismore. Lismore locals, or Lismorons, are an eclectic collective of undesirables: ‘artists’ (dole bludgers), ‘alternative lifestylers’ (meth cooks), ‘freethinkers’ (cult members) and dropouts who couldn’t be buggered making it all the way to Byron Bay.
Lismore employs several cunning tricks to ward off stray visitors, including a plethora of hippie galleries selling bullshit, a network of porous roads punctured by potholes large enough to swallow cars, and an army of pointless sculptures that the council commissioned instead of fixing the roads. Natural tourist detractions range from the disgusting weed-choked Wilsons River to the disgusting shallow swamp that was once Lismore Lake, to a series of disgusting creeks full of scum-coated shopping trolleys. The city’s proudest feature is a big log called the Big Log. If you have time, try to avoid them all.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Fan Mail: Ballina
Shit Town Power Rankings
Lake Macquarie, NSW — Plumber allegedly stabs tradie over dispute over workmanship; forklift driver smashes through shopping centre and steals ATM
Walkerston, QLD — Good samaritan shot during attempted carjacking outside pub
Toowoomba, QLD — 12-year-old boy charged after allegedly stealing a ute with his mum and crashing it into a house, before his mum fled the scene without him
Alice Springs, NT — Worker stabbed in Woolies loading dock
Liverpool, NSW — Two arrested and one hospitalised after brawl over KFC parking spot
Townsville, QLD — Massive spree of car thieves ramming and hurling bricks at cop cars
Gold Coast, QLD — Alleged hoon gets a hiding from crash witness; gronk sentenced after reporting for bail in stolen car full of meth
Port Augusta, SA — Trio arrested after allegedly trying to shoot drugs into prison using bow and arrow
Melton, VIC — Grubs steal kids’ slide from public playground
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
New Book
Pre-order Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip:
Booktopia (Australia)
Mighty Ape (New Zealand)
Book Depository (worldwide)