Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
This week, we have our last state poll for the year before we move on to the national finals, and it’s for New South Wales’ Shittest Suburb. Based on your nominations on Facebook and a few of our own, we’ve selected a shortlist of 25 dud suburbs from across Greater Sydney, Illawarra, Central Coast and the Hunter. Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
Also this week: we finally review the Victorian vomfest of Dandenong, revisit the Queensland craptopia of Toowoomba, and share a bit of fan mail from Dalby.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
New Book
Pre-order Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip:
Booktopia (Australia)
Mighty Ape (New Zealand)
Book Depository (worldwide)
Shit Town: Dandenong
Dandenong is known for its ‘culture’, which is a quaint euphemism for violent crime, drugs, drunks, gangs, hoons and housos. The suburb is also famous for its diversity: in the same street you could eat Afghani, Indian, Albanian, Chinese or African food; buy some counterfeit clothing, a rug or a Wiggles-branded knuckleduster; or get stabbed with a knife, screwdriver or a crudely fashioned shank. The variety is endless! In fact, Dandenong is so ethnically diverse that One Nation voters and Queenslanders have been known to spontaneously combust upon setting foot there.
Widely considered to be the worst bit of Melbourne (a bold claim for a city that also contains Frankston and Cranbourne), Dandenong is somehow worse than its awful reputation. Popular pastimes include ram-raiding pharmacies, assaulting the elderly and a spot of recreational arson. If that’s all a bit hectic for you then you could always wind down by visiting a makeshift brothel in a tent in a park.
Loitering menacingly on the outskirts of Melbourne, Dandenong is in many ways a forgotten suburb, cut off from the city by shit public transport connections. Despite this, most Melburnians would argue that it’s still too close and would be quite happy for all roads leading in and out of ‘the Nong’ to be ripped up and replaced with some sort of wall or moat. If you must visit, we suggest you pass through like a dodgy vindaloo.
From our new book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available to pre-order now.
Throwback: Toowoomba
Few people actually know where Toowoomba is and even fewer have ever been there. The regional city was strategically placed just close enough to Brisbane for Brisbanites to dump their unwanted elderly but far enough away that they don’t have to visit them. Consequently, Toowoomba is full of xenophobic old people and stuffy God-botherers who are less into beaches and bitches and more about gardens and golliwogs.
Toowoomba’s name is derived from the fact that widespread incest has resulted in large numbers of local women sporting multiple sets of genitals (or ‘two wombs’). Popular alternative names include ‘Double Douchehole’ and ‘Multi Minge’. People from Toowoomba are officially known as Toowoombarbarians, Toowoombastards or Toowoompaloompas.
As well as being a gulag for geriatrics, Toowoomba is known as ‘The Garden City’ because a few patches of manicured scrub are the closest thing it has to a point of interest. The highlight of the city’s calendar is the annual Carnival of Flowers, when nannas from across the nation take time out from knitting things no one will ever wear, spouting nonsense on talkback radio and soiling themselves to pore over plants’ private parts. Due in part to excessive gardening, Toowoomba is rapidly running out of water, which will come as a relief to most residents considering how it tastes.
Disturbingly, gentrification has begun turning Toowoomba into the Melbourne of Queensland, with graffitied laneways, scungy alley cafes and moustachioed vegans popping up with increasing frequency. The city is being invaded by so much diversity that long-time Toowoompaloompas are struggling to know who to fear anymore. The only certainty is that Toowoomba will always find a way to stay shit.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Mackay, QLD — Gronk slaps paramedic after drinking 4 litres of goon; grub gropes nurses after severing his thumb; despo caught using colostomy bag to sneak booze into nightclub; hungry tradie breaks into KFC
Maitland, NSW — Maniac allegedly threatens hospital staff with blood-filled syringe
Townsville, QLD — Shameless crims steal 600m of electric cable from public pathway; gronk pulls garden saw on sex shop customers; prisoner caught sneaking back in after escaping for a durry
Dapto, NSW — Teens test positive for covid after leading cops on chase to Gundagai in allegedly stolen car
Canberra, ACT — Woman sentenced after threatening to slice and dice random couple with samurai sword
Redfern, NSW — Rabbitohs fan flashes tackle on live TV broadcast
Alice Springs, NT — Burglar steals $2000 worth of vibrators, dildos, lube and lingerie from house
Tamworth, NSW — Wrench-wielding drongo steals drink and flees on electric scooter
Adelaide, SA — Bloke busted for drink-driving go kart; cyclist uses GPS to create giant drawing of naked baby
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Dalby
Vote: NSW’s Shittest Suburb
Click/tap on a suburb’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 11/10. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is NSW’s Shittest Suburb?
Haha, cannot wait to see the expose piece on NSW's shittest suburb. Fingers crossed it's where I grew up, but I daresay come armed if so.