STOA Newsletter #45
Vote for Australia's Shittest State + Bathurst 1000 Review
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
Now that we’ve found Australia’s shittest suburb, town and city for 2021, we have just one category left to decide, before the four winners face off for the title of Supreme Shithole of the Year. This week it’s Australia’s Shittest State — scroll to the end of this email to vote now! If you would like to point out that ACT and Northern Territory are not actually states, please email whocares@nobodygivesafuck.com.au.
Also this week: we review the Bathurst 1000, revisit Barnaby’s beloved Armidale, and share some of the response to our Northern Beaches write-up. And in case you missed it, here’s our co-writer Geoff Rissole talking about our new book on the telly.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
New Book: Out Now!
Our new book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip is out now! Look for it in stores (AUS & NZ) or buy it online:
Booktopia (Australia)
Mighty Ape (New Zealand)
Book Depository (worldwide)
Shit Event: Bathurst 1000
Held at the Mount Panorama Circuit in the eponymous shit town and commonly known as Bogan Christmas, the Bathurst 1000 is an annual orgy of car carnage that sees vast hordes of mechanophiles drink-drive from as far afield as Logan, Geelong and Penrith for a long weekend of cheering on their favourite international automobile manufacturing conglomerate. The options are Holden or Ford, and you must choose one. You don’t need to know why—you just need to buy a decal of Calvin pissing on whichever one you didn’t pick.
In an effort to reduce the booze-fuelled anarchy, authorities have imposed a limit of one box of grog per drongo per day, barely enough to keep the average Australian male awake. Enterprising yobbos have taken to burying crates of VB months prior to the Great Race and digging them up on the big day in the most bogan treasure hunt possible. Popular side events include blowing up toilet blocks, firebombing ice-cream trucks, and beating up people who like the wrong type of car.
Traditionally dominated by the intense rivalry between Ford and Holden, Bathurst has recently plummeted in cultural significance due to the latter’s demise. Holden was replaced for the 2021 edition by Chevrolet, a brand with about as much relevance to Australians as the concept of shame or the phrase ‘drinking in moderation’. It remains to be seen if the event’s celebrated ‘Hunger Games for hillbillies’ vibe will survive the setback.
From our new book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Throwback: Armidale
Armidale is known as ‘New England’ because it actually has four seasons, a novelty in Australia. Unfortunately, three of those seasons are winter, when the city is pelted with gargantuan hailstones and blanketed in a haze of toxic smoke from wood burners. For balance, Armidale’s fourth season is the kind of sweltering summer that’ll make you positively nostalgic for frostbite and asthma.
Aside from its shit climate, Armidale is known for its shit university, the sort of uni that people who can’t get into proper uni go to, a third-rate diploma mill churning out unemployable graduates in nonsense subjects like basket-weaving and Australian history. The majority of students make the sensible decision to study by distance learning to spare themselves the indignity of actually setting foot in Armidump.
Armidale’s prime selling point is its long and boring history. The main street is called Beardy Street, named for two of the founding settlers who had large beards, a fitting tribute to a pair of proud pioneering women. The city is awash with heritage buildings, though their aesthetic is slightly tarnished by the chicken wire encasing the balconies to prevent Armidallos from piffing beer bottles at passers-by. Armidale also hosts the annual Australian Wool Fashion Awards, which showcases the season’s hottest beanies, socks and garish jumpers, attracting nannas from across the nation. There are no entertainment options for normal people.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Crowley Vale, QLD — Crash scene blanketed in tonnes of human shit after sewage truck collides with car
Townsville, QLD — Drunk driver 3 times over limit causes crash before fighting other driver in street; gronk accused of impersonating energy worker to steal copper wire
Gold Coast, QLD — Crim jailed after kidnapping man to steal cocaine that he made up; car thief foiled by naked martial artist
Merrylands, NSW — Man allegedly kidnapped and stabbed in broad daylight over fake vax exemption scam
Richmond, QLD — Mayor charged after alleged drunken assault on female security guards
Ipswich, QLD — Shopping centre CCTV catches pest on 6-hour upskirt filming spree
Perth, WA — Gronk rolls stolen forklift on suburban street
Coolup, WA — Vet struck off register after pumping mates full of ketamine
Albany, WA — Prisoner smears Vegemite all over his cell because he was pissed off about its thickness
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Northern Beaches
Vote: Australia’s Shittest State
Click/tap on a state’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 6/12. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is Australia’s Shittest State?