STOA Newsletter #49
Welcome back to the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter for another year. 2022 is sure to be just as shit as ‘21, and we’ll be here throughout with shit town reviews, polls and power rankings.
If you have mates who are keen to stay up-to-date with Australia’s most shocking shit town shenanigans, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Dymocks Top 101
With voting now open for the Dymocks Books Top 101, we reckon Sh*t Towns should gatecrash the party. After all, our books include more crime than an Agatha Christie thriller and more teen pregnancy than The Bible. As an added incentive/bribe to vote for us, if either of our Sh*t Towns of Australia books makes the list, the following newsletter will include our Kingaroy review that was too offensive for print. Let’s make it happen!
Vote here (tip: search for Rick Furphy or Geoff Rissole).
Shit Town: Shepparton
Originally named McGuire’s Punt by some bloke with a dirty mind and poor spelling skills, Shepparton began life as a sheep station before transforming into a bustling rail hub and finally ending up in its current incarnation as a smouldering post-apocalyptic crater. The name Shepparton is a portmanteau of the city’s two favourite things: sheep and methamphetamine. Shepparton’s tourism slogan is ‘Many Great Things’, which is at best a charitable exaggeration and at worst blatant false advertising. What Shepparton lacks in culture, entertainment, nightlife and water it makes up for in drugs, bogans, teenage pregnancy and the ubiquitous scent of cow shit.
Common hobbies in Shepparton include jamming fruit into tins, doing lappies along Wyndham Street in your souped-up debtmobile and having your welfare payments quarantined. Maude Street Mall is a popular spot for drug deals and knife fights, while the ironically named Olympic Avenue wins the gold medal for ‘getting stabbed with a broken VB stubby’. The largest, nicest and busiest building in Shepparton is the courthouse.
Shepparton displays a collection of life-size fibreglass cows in public spaces as a tribute to the life-size actual cows that used to roam the town before an enterprising Sheppartard swapped them all for a clapped-out Commodore. The Shepparton Art Museum houses the world’s most significant collection of Australian ceramics, which is also the world’s most boring thing to collect. The main event in Shepparton is the Spring Car Nationals, a giant magnet for wild packs of criminals and fume-huffing hoons and a particularly great time not to visit.
From our book Sh*t Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Event: Australia Day
If Bathurst is Bogan Christmas then Australia Day is Redneck Mardi Gras, the perfect excuse for hordes of gronks to imbibe enough alcohol to paralyse an elephant, discard their shirts, and drape themselves in their best Chinese-made Aussie flags to match the Southern Cross tattoos that they got in Bali. It’s the one day of the year when the whole country becomes Cronulla.
Australia is the only country that celebrates the day it was invaded, which is a bit like America hosting a Pearl Harbour Day pool party or France hosting any number of events for any number of invasions. Apparently, the most appropriate way to commemorate nicking an entire continent off its rightful owners is by ingesting copious amounts of badly barbecued meat and cheap piss before chundering it up again all over the stolen ground.
While particularly beloved by bogans, Australia Day is truly a day for all Australians — bogans get to be a bit racist, and wowsers with arts degrees get something to whinge about on Twitter before showing off their ‘wokeness’ by performing a Welcome to Country at their vegan barbecue in order to root a white girl with dreadlocks and hairy legs. Everybody wins!
If you’re in a major city, round out the day by watching a spectacular display of fireworks that will terrorise the native wildlife and quite possibly start a catastrophic bushfire. Aussie Aussie Aussie!
From our new book Sh*t Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Sydney, NSW — Hospital wrongly tells hundreds of covid-positive people that they’re negative; 42,000 RAT tests stolen from warehouse
Adelaide, SA — Drongo parties at nightclub after testing positive for covid; motorbike gronk throws hammer at car; grub wanks in cafe; woman gets stuck in wheelie bin
Nanango, QLD — Gronkess tries to bite cop and strangle dog after being asked to wear a mask in supermarket
Perth, WA — Unvaxxed French backpacker sparks covid outbreak at rave; gronks brawl during Spiderman movie
Townsville, QLD — Gronk reportedly throws spear at cops; city records highest per capita rate of Christmas break-ins; kids pull 5 e-scooters out of popular swimming pool before one randomly catches fire
Gold Coast, QLD — Chlamydia more common than the flu
Mackay, QLD — Speargun-wielding drunk abuses hospital staff; gronk arrested after asking cops to touch his bum
Shepparton, VIC — Pest seen wanking in front of cop shop; sex toy thief jailed after falling through roof while trying to escape police while naked
Darwin, NT — 17-year-old allegedly steals truck containing $10k worth of Christmas hams
Launceston, TAS — Santa Claus leaves kids’ event after being told to fuck off
And Finally
A message from Townsville, your Supreme Shithole of the Year 2021.
