Welcome back to the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review Gympie, bring you the latest shit town headlines in the Power Rankings, and share some of the feedback from the Sunshine Coast/Soast.
We’re also stoked to announce that from this week we will be expanding the newsletter, adding a weekly Shit Holidays edition which will go out the day after this one, profiling all the shittiest international hot spots.
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Shit Town: Gympie
Originally named Nashville due to all the incest, Gympie took its current name not from BDSM enthusiasts or cripples, as one might assume, but from the world’s most horrible plant. The gympie is a stinging tree covered in toxic needles, also known as the stinging brush or the suicide plant. Legend has it that an Australian World War II soldier shot himself after inadvertently using a gympie leaf as toilet paper. Like its botanic namesake, the town of Gympie is also dangerous, covered in needles and smeared with faeces.
The Queensland craphole owes its existence to the discovery of gold in the local area, which saw the town swiftly filled with the sort of reprobates who would travel the world to stand in bollocks-deep water trying to find a shiny nugget just so they wouldn’t have to find a real job. The gold rush also marked the only time in history that anyone has ever been excited to visit Gympie. Consequently, Gympie is known as ‘the town that saved Queensland’, so we have them to thank for maroon-clad morons pissed up on XXXX king-hitting strangers while yelling ‘Queenslander!’.
Like most places in Australia not sophisticated enough for a heroin problem, Gympie is a deadset mecca for meth. In fact, it’s a little-known fact that the town’s name is an acronym for ‘Grab Ya Meth Pipe, Ice Everywhere!’. Gympanzees are also famously partial to a bit of cannabis, hooning, burglary, racism and putting people through woodchippers. The town’s reputation for crime is so widespread that it has become known as ‘Helltown’ (though in true Gympie style, this term was coined by a convicted paedophile writing in a porno mag).
Gymphole has a range of visitor attractions, all of which are shit. The Mary Valley Rattler is an inefficient old tourist train that gives a great view of rubbish tips and car wrecker’s yards and is also the name of a violent lovemaking manoeuvre. The Gympie Pyramid is a terraced hill touted by the intellectually challenged as evidence of ancient Egyptian/Aztec/alien colonisation and is also the name of a violent lovemaking manoeuvre. The Big Pineapple was demolished in 2008 when authorities realised that no one in Gympie eats fruit and was replaced by Australia’s only giant revolving KFC bucket. Enjoying a trip to Gympie is about as likely as Pauline Hanson opening a kebab shop.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Fan Mail: Sunshine Coast
Shit Town Power Rankings
Toowoomba, QLD — Pervert who was jailed for wanking and poking a stick up his arse in public while wearing stolen knickers arrested within 24 hours of release after wanking in hospital car park while sticking finger up his bum
Canberra, ACT — ‘Freedom Camp’ protest undermined by theft, sexual harassment, public pooping, foot fungus and pink eye
Perth, WA — Ferals root in public fountain; grub pisses on floor of supermarket
Wangaratta, VIC — Gronkess allegedly glasses 14-year-old kid
Sutherland Shire, NSW — High school teacher charged after allegedly selling drugs to students
Cairns, QLD — Cyclist steals ciggie from hospital patient’s mouth
Canterbury, NSW — Tradies fixing leaky toilet discover $44 million worth of ice
Townsville, QLD — Burglars kill pet fish during break-in
Strahan, TAS — Bloke relocates 3000km with family for new job managing holiday park, immediately sacked for being ‘too fat’
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Great stuff guys, keep up the good work 🙏