Welcome to another issue of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review Penrith, before your weekly rankings remind us again why the Riff is a shit-show.
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Shit Town: Penrith
A bunker of blue-collar (or no-collar) bogans at the base of the Blue Mountains, Penrith is a super-slum notorious for its population of feral housos, yobbos and other ruffians. Despite the loose nature of its inmates, the Greater Western Sydney suburb is actually replete with amenities that any westie can truly appreciate: bespoke meth labs, palatial pokie dens and loads of wilderness in which to hide a body. The Penrith uniform consists of a mullet or rat’s tail, ugg boots and a flannel shirt with a pack of Winnie Blues tucked into the upper sleeve (unisex) with a Southern Cross tattoo on either the bicep (for men) or the right breast (for women). The most popular pastime involves proud Aussie primary school dropouts moaning that they can barely make their next meth payment because educated immigrants took all the jobs.
Penrith is commonly known by locals as ‘Penriff’ or ‘The Riff’ due to the local accent/speech impediment, a source of constant confusion for Sydneysiders passing through on their way to Liffgow or Baffurst. The suburb’s most popular sports team is the Penrith Panthers, or in local parlance, the ‘Panfers’. The NRL team originally carried the derisive nickname ‘the Chocolate Soldiers’, which interestingly, given the make-up of their fan base, was not a racist slur but actually a reference to their shit-coloured jerseys.
Penrith is also home to the Museum of Fire, a tribute to the suburb’s long tradition of urban arson.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Penrith, NSW — Grub charged after allegedly breaking into school to fuck goats and sheep
Kalgoorlie, WA — Gronk jailed after breaking into bar and playing piano at 2am; woman smashes 4 cars in front of police station with baseball bat in attempt to be sent to prison to see her mum - gets community service
Ayr, QLD — Teen faces court for smashing his family’s TV because his mum told him to give his sister a go on Fortnite; horndog fined for stealing vibrator
Albany, WA — Pervert in women’s underwear wanks in front of woman while she’s on a Zoom meeting in car park
Alice Springs, NT — Vandals break into public pool, smash 18 windows and throw computers in pool
Bendigo, VIC — Hoons taunt cops with massive burnouts
Bunbury, WA — Woman fined after pissing on shopping centre floor
Adelaide, SA — Alleged thief arrested after leaving his phone at crime scene
Dunolly, VIC — Bloke busted driving lawnmower on road with no licence while over alcohol limit and on drugs
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Whitcoulls Top 100
We may have recently missed out on the Dymocks Top 101, but across the ditch, our Sh*t Towns of New Zealand books have made the Whitcoulls Top 100 for the past two years running. Can we make it a hat-trick?
You can help us gatecrash the list once again by voting for Furphy & Rissole classics such as Sh*t Towns of New Zealand, Sh*t Towns of New Zealand: Number Two, Sh*t Towns of New Zealand: The Great Kiwi Tiki Tour, Sh*t Moments in New Zealand Sport, or even Sh*t Towns of Australia if you're so inclined. Voting closes 1 June.
Did You know there is a beer named "Furphy"? On the sign it also says "who gives a truck?" with a picture of a truck!