Congratulations to Tennant Creek on being voted the Northern Territory’s Shittest Town for the third year running! Here are the final results of the poll:
Tennant Creek: 36%
Alice Springs: 15%
Katherine: 10%
Palmerston: 10%
Humpty Doo: 9%
Wadeye: 6%
Yulara: 5%
Jabiru: 4%
Nhulunbuy: 3%
Howard Springs: 2%
Scroll down to revisit our Tennant Creek review. We also have a brand new shit town review for you this week in the form of Moree, NSW, as well as the latest Shit Town Power Rankings.
Don’t miss next week’s newsletter to vote for the ACT’s Shittest Suburb! If you have mates who’d want in on this vote, get them to sign up at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Moree
Clogging up the junction where the Newell Highway meets the Grindr Highway, Moree is a notoriously remote rat hole, located a good chunk of a day’s drive from both Sydney and Brisbane. Residents of both cities would probably agree that the distance isn’t quite far enough.
Famous as New South Wales’ crime capital, Moree is packed with marauding mobs of morons stealing car batteries, committing burglaries and dishing out hidings on a regular basis. This crime wave is probably fuelled by the fact that the town has more ice than a penguin’s perineum. In fact, Moree’s ‘methidemic’ is so bad that its garbage is routinely contaminated with thousands of used needles, leading local authorities to install special needle bins and run a publicity campaign called ‘Be Sharp Safe’ featuring a cartoon bee. Fortunately, Moree is home to artesian hot springs that locals claim have healing properties, which is particularly helpful for people trying to recover from knife wounds, track marks and other assorted injuries caused by living in Moree.
The 1965 Freedom Ride famously shone a light on the appalling state of Moree’s race relations, including the segregation of the local swimming pool. Unfortunately, while the pool is now open to any local resident, it is still full of discarded syringes and the recipient of a code brown on an almost weekly basis. Moree is also known for its cotton-growing industry, which along with its rampant racism, meth addiction and incest, makes it Australia’s answer to Alabama.
Throwback: Tennant Creek
No trip to the NT is complete without taking in the outback outhouse called Tennant Creek. Conveniently located in the middle of fucking nowhere, the town is popular with everyone from morbid dark tourists to senile grey nomads, to backpackers who are intent on disappearing without a trace.
Accommodation options are plentiful: from campgrounds with 12-foot razor-wire-tipped walls, to concrete motel rooms with barred windows, you can tailor your stay based on your own personal prison preference! Or for an authentic Tennant Creek experience, why not stay with a local in the trash-strewn tin shed they call home?
The experience doesn’t end there, as any adventure outside of your rented cell will immediately immerse you in the colourful atmosphere of Tennant Creek, which usually involves witnessing a resident defecating in the middle of the road before you are shanked by a solvent-sniffing sex offender. If you’re lucky, you may even be invited to a fight by a child with measles and a makeshift weapon. When conversing with a local, be sure to refer to them by the affectionate demonym ‘BITCH’, an acronym for ‘Born In Tennant Creek Hospital’.
Tennant Creek is known for its long and proud history of alcoholism, stretching back to the time it was founded when a truck carrying beer broke down and people set up a camp around it. Don’t miss a visit to a local bottle shop, where you can purchase a single box or bottle of booze during one of six three-hour windows per week. Note that it is traditional to queue up all morning until the industrial-strength roller doors creak open at 4 p.m.
The town is also famous for its spectacular scenery, which includes world-class examples of rock formations, car wrecks and rusting cyclone fences. If a friendly local offers to show you the Devils Marbles, Nobles Nob or The Shaft, don’t worry - he’s not about to flop out his genitals, but is offering to take you to see a bunch of boring boulders, a big hole in the ground and a closed nightclub. The most popular local event is a rodeo, where residents take a break from abusing each other to abuse some animals.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Rockingham, WA - Feral kids bash tradies working at their school
Townsville, QLD - Stolen car crashes in front of Centrelink; nightclubber kicks cop in the balls; cops lay siege to house for 7 hours before realising no one’s home
Melbourne, VIC - Neo-Nazi snowflake assaults Channel Nine security guard because TV show made him sad
Mount Druitt, NSW - 6 kids charged after shopping centre knife fight
Shepparton, VIC - Kid hospitalised after massive school brawl
Gold Coast, QLD - Burly bag snatcher beaten up by grumpy grandma
Darwin, NT - Self-proclaimed ‘world record wanker’ caught jacking off at nude beach again
Adelaide, SA - Angry gronk does burnout in Hungry Jack’s drive-thru after being told soft serve machine is broken
Mandurah, WA - Drongos blown out to sea on blow-up bed
Port Pirie, SA - Still shit