STOA Newsletter #72
Australia's Shittest Big Thing Revealed
Congratulations to the Big Potato in Robertson, NSW, voted Australia’s Shittest Big Thing!
The potato faced a formidable field of crap creations including a massive rubbish bin, an evil koala and a Nazi Captain Cook, but voters decided the spud’s sheer resemblance to a shit was worthy of the brown crown. You can’t spell ‘potato’ without ‘poo’!
In the coming weeks, we’ll begin running polls to find 2022’s Shit Town of the Year. If you have mates who will want in on this, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Tweed Heads
Smeared either side of the New South Wales–Queensland border, Tweed Heads is Coolangatta’s malformed and malevolent conjoined twin. The ‘Home Brand Gold Coast’ originally emerged as a place for Queensland’s thrifty reprobates to take advantage of New South Wales’ liberal gambling and prostitution laws while travelling the shortest possible distance. To this day, the border town is packed with pokie dens and brimming with brothels. Due to Queensland’s stubborn shunning of daylight saving, during summer Tweed Heads becomes a ratchet time machine where you can travel in time simply by crossing a street. Unfortunately, it doesn’t transport you to a time when Tweed Heads isn’t a shithole.
There are two types of people who live in Tweed Heads: juvenile gangsters turning the place into Eshay Disneyland and retirees looking for somewhere by the sea to run out the clock. The entire generation between is mysteriously missing. The town takes its name from its proliferation of grumpy grandads, the only people who would be seen dead wearing tweed (and soon they will be). In fact, Tweed Heads has the largest tweedophile population in all of Australia. Unfortunately, the ample geriatrics are sitting ducks for the roid-raging failed league players and psychotic trust-fund pinga rats who make up the rest of the local population. Packs of delinquents roam Tweed’s wide riverside streets with impunity, stabbing or coward-punching random residents and smearing poo on people’s property for literal shits and giggles.
A popular daytrip from Tweed Heads is the lush Lamington National Park, replete with coconut, sponge and chocolate trees. The town itself also features a number of parks, though the council recently resorted to tearing the roof and walls off one popular picnic area because there was too much George Michaeling going on. Considering Tweed Heads is essentially Australia’s Tijuana—a crime-riddled border-straddling abortion—it’s appropriate that it sits in the long shadow of the ominously named Mount Warning; other local landmarks include Point Danger, Beware Hill and You’re Going To Die Bay.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Tweed Heads, NSW — Gronk charged after allegedly biting off tip of bloke’s nose during bus stop brawl
Redlands, QLD — Mayor busted drink-driving after crashing into tree one hour after meeting with drink-driving victims
Perth, WA — Perth wins back ice capital title from Adelaide; Nedlands council votes to oppose children’s hospice because it might be attacked in a war
Alice Springs, NT — 12- to 14-year-old girls trash council chambers; 8- to 12-year-old kids trash childcare centre, steal turtle
Ipswich, QLD — Council votes to continue naming bridge and road after jailed corrupt sex offender ex-mayor
Wagga Wagga, NSW — Gun-toting maniac jailed for detaining group of male students who were walking around naked in public
Adelaide, SA — Drongo seriously injured after climbing up drainpipe and falling off; gronk jailed after stealing pram and fleeing cops in homemade convertible
Toowoomba, QLD — Couple charged after allegedly fucking in courthouse foyer
Gold Coast, QLD — Gronk allegedly caught with 136kg/$1.15m of weed after cops pull over his unregistered van
Dandenong, VIC — E-scooter impounded after rider caught going over 60km/h while on meth
Tweed Heads. It's a terrific place, when you're looking at it, in the rear view mirror.
Port Pirie has redeemed itself?