STOA Newsletter #74
Vote for SA's Shittest Town!
Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
This week we begin the Shit Town Showdown, a series of polls to find Australia’s Shit Town of the Year for 2022 — starting with the state of South Australia. We’ve narrowed down the S.A. options to a shortlist of 12 towns, suburbs and cities based on your nominations on Facebook. The shithole with the most votes will go on to represent South Australia in the national finals later in the year. Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Warrnambool
Situated at the wrong end of the Great Ocean Road on Victoria’s summerless southern coast, Warrnambool is a wind-blasted crater where the cloud never clears and it’s always too cold to swim. The unspellable joint’s best attempt at a point of interest is the ‘Mahogany Ship’, the reputed wreck of a Portuguese caravel supposedly buried in the sands of Armstrong Bay. Despite no actual evidence of such a relic, the residents of Warrnambool have perpetuated the myth largely because it’s the only vaguely interesting thing that has ever allegedly happened there. The Victorian government once offered a $250,000 reward to anyone who could produce evidence of the Mahogany Ship, but alas the elusive vessel has proven harder to find than Harold Holt.
Warrnambool’s only other claim to fame—apart from making a great Scrabble score—is being the shooting location for the infamous Tom Selleck stinker Quigley Down Under. The box office flop was so horrendous that its only lasting legacy was the unusual number of moustachioed babies born in the Bool roughly nine months after filming wrapped.
Aside from entertaining fantasies of buried boats, the most popular activity in Warrnambool is participating in the ‘gap challenge’, in which bored locals try to stuff themselves through a 30-centimetre slit between two buildings on Timor Street. Given the girth of the average Warrnamboolian, local emergency services are kept very busy.
The most famous landmarks in town are the Dirty Angel—a statue of a heavenly creature having a cheeky wank—and the Silver Ball, a scrotesque structure that hovers over town like a ratshit UFO. Locals know that once they see the Silver Ball they’ve made it back to Warrnambool, a realisation that probably makes them wish they had been abducted by aliens.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Mildura, VIC — Ref knocked out, 3 hospitalised and 7 arrested after soccer brawl
Townsville, QLD — Restaurant manager arrives at work to find drunk gronk locked inside; KISS concert cancelled for footy game
Canberra, ACT — Hot air balloon causes traffic jam after landing on freeway during rush hour; drongo fined after crashing into parked fire truck
Ulverstone, TAS — Armed teens mug delivery driver for pizzas
Cobargo, NSW — Accused tells judge ‘fuck you, your honour’ after being denied bail over siege charges
Marian, QLD — Armed robbers run for their lives after servo attendant throws stapler at them
Mosman, NSW — Woman appears in court for kneeing cop in the nuts
Warrnambool, VIC — Police employee clocks up over 40 demerits
Katanning, WA — Gronk fined after punching bloke for farting
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Vote: South Australia’s Shittest Town
Click/tap on a town’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 25/7. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is South Australia’s Shittest Town?
Special shout out to Mt Gambier. In May, went for a walk in the main street on a Sunday morning and had to carefully side step human faeces on the footpath. Fairly fresh, it appeared to have been virtually farted out as the protagonist walked along. Classy.
How on earth could you have forgot the town called IRON KNOB in south Australia ,it would win hands down ,, look it up on google earth …..it’s the end of the world ,the end of civilisation, nothing to do there ,only thing there is a museum of old relics ,that includes the people running it