STOA Newsletter #77
WA's Shittest Town is...
Congratulations to Port Hedland on being voted Western Australia’s Shittest Town for 2022! The Poo of the Pilbara squeezed past three-time incumbent Kalgoorlie-Boulder by a single vote to take its first state title. Port Hedland will go on to represent the Sandgropers in the national finals later this year. Here are the final results of the WA poll (note percentages are rounded):
Port Hedland: 16%
Kalgoorlie-Boulder: 16%
Fitzroy Crossing: 10%
Armadale: 8%
Rockingham: 8%
Geraldton: 8%
Bunbury: 7%
Mandurah: 7%
Roebourne: 6%
Halls Creek: 6%
Perth: 5%
Northam: 3%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for the Northern Territory’s Shittest Town! If you have any mates who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Port Hedland
Situated in north-west Who Cares, Port Hedland is a derelict minerals discharge hole dressed up as a town. The iron anus owes its name to its turd-brown eyesore of a port, the proliferation of substance enthusiasts offering ‘head’ on its streets, and its inhabitants’ inability to spell. Isolated, full of flies and ferals and hot as all buggery, the prospect of living in the Pilbara poo pit is about as enticing as a proposition from Gina Rinehart.
Port Hedland promotes itself as the sunniest place in Australia, a dubious honour that’s a bit like claiming to be the coldest village in the Arctic or the most incestuous town in Tasmania. Cattle and sheep farming was once a major industry for the town, but this ended when the animals all withered to a crisp. The only fauna able to survive Port Deadland’s intense heat are creatures like red-necked stints, red-necked avocets and red-necked people. The town is also home to the Australian bustard and plenty of Australian bastards.
Port Hedland’s main industries are shitting out iron ore, digging holes and dole bludging. Popular pastimes include racing wheelbarrows, smashing people’s solar panels and being hospitalised with a respiratory infection caused by iron ore dust. The town hosted a beachfront boat-people prison from 1991 to 2004 that is now a hotel—the number of people staying has significantly dropped since the locks were removed.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Alice Springs, NT — Naked maniac kicks in taxi’s windscreen while clutching his cock
Townsville, QLD — Grub shits on floor of clothing store; bull-riding bully makes cop hit herself in the face during rodeo brawl; thief steals inflatable fuck doll
Brisbane, QLD — Serial public wanker claims he was ‘sleep-walking’ after being caught strolling down street with no pants on; mayor gets community service for drunken car crash
Launceston, TAS — Woman faces prison for shoving doctor’s phone and wallet in her bum after he refused to prescribe her Valium
Bendigo, VIC — Psycho breaks into primary school and kills pet chickens
Albury, NSW — Pervert jailed after wanking while nurse took his blood pressure
Geelong, VIC — Shirtless road rager smashes up car with boomerangs while ranting about vaccine
Armidale, NSW — Uni vice-chancellor charged after allegedly wiping saliva on 16-year-old girl’s face while making racist comments
Gold Coast, QLD — Cabbie allegedly rams customer over fare dispute
Newcastle, NSW — Drongo charged with high-range drink-driving on mobility scooter
Shit Towns of NZ: Huntly
Finally this week: some of you may know that before Shit Towns of Australia, there was Shit Towns of New Zealand. Here’s a clip from the TV show New Zealand Today in which comedian Guy Williams takes our co-founder Geoff Rissole on a punishing tour of NZ’s shittest town. It’s worth watching for Laurie Mac alone.
I gotta be honest. While Huntly is high on the list in terms of shit towns Greymouth is next level shit and could possibly / probably be amongst the worlds shittest.