Welcome to another exciting edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
It seems the morons of Moree weren’t too pleased with our assessment of their shit town last week — check out some of our favourite bits of their fan mail below. It looks like Moree is up there with Broken Hill, Mount Isa and Port Pirie in the illiteracy stakes — but that’s just our biasst opionion.
We also have another Shit Town Showdown poll for you this week: ACT’s Shittest Suburb. We’ve compiled the 12 most suggested Canberra crappers from our Facebook page into a shortlist of shit. The suburb with the most votes will represent the ACT in the poll for Australia’s Shittest Suburb later in the year. Scroll to the end of the email to vote!
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Throwback: Ipswich
Brisbane’s grotty basement, the shitellite city of Ipswich is a notorious breeding ground for a whole range of unsavoury types, including dole bludgers, drug addicts and NRL players. Most of Ipswich’s residents live in vast shanty towns surrounding Centrelink, whiling away the days until their next handout drinking homebrewed liquor, getting their area code tattooed on their neck, playing darts with used syringes and impregnating teenagers. The city’s pride and joy is the annual Ipswich Festival, five days of free family entertainment including a stolen car parade, an arson display and a race riot.
Ipswich is perhaps best-known as the home town of Pauline Hanson, who parlayed a background in deep-frying battered sausages into a political career pandering to racist rednecks who think that asylum seekers are fleeing war zones in leaky fishing boats so they can nick their jobs. In many ways Pauline Hanson is Ipswich personified—unsightly, predominantly government-funded, and full of shit. The only useful thing she has done is be great fodder for a hate wank. Ipswich continues its tradition of defective politicians by churning out an endless line of corrupt councillors, which would be remarkable if mayors being jailed and entire councils being sacked weren’t commonplace in Queensland.
Ipswich’s shambolic governance is reflected in the state of the joint, the only city in Australia that is literally a dump. Tonnes of trash is trucked in from across Queensland and New South Wales nightly and poured into old mines and empty lots in Ipswich, drenching entire neighbourhoods in a horrendous stench as well as smoke when the flammable stuff catches fire. On the plus side, the mountains of garbage do match the local decor of mould-coated houses and snake-infested abandoned cars adorning front lawns.
Two of Ipswich’s finest alumni were a pair of rooted units who made a golf ball bomb, left it in the street and blew off a kid’s hands. One of the dipshits later blew off his own hands as well as parts of his genitals in a separate incident. Clearly, the only hope of salvation for Ipshit is the Bremer’s banks bursting during one of the city’s frequent floods and washing away the bogans in a biblical deluge.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Perth, WA - Arsehole steals sick baby’s oxygen tanks; woman takes hatchback for a spin on horse racing track; dead body sits in car in front of supermarket for four days before anyone notices
Alice Springs, NT - Feral kids trash cars in hospital car park, vandalise fireman’s ute; series of bar fights devolves into massive street brawl with makeshift weapons
Armidale, NSW - BDSM cult leader arrested for alleged slavery
Dural, NSW - Home invader shoots man’s finger off
Canberra, ACT - Dipshit kids filmed racially harassing cafe staff and spitting on tables
Mayfield, TAS - Cop’s tyres slashed at crash scene
Northern Beaches, NSW - Trio arrested over importation of meth lollipops and cocaine mints
Townsville, QLD - Brawl breaks out at bingo
Gold Coast, QLD - Boat thief nabbed after owner’s mum and dog swim after him until he floods engine
Port Pirie, SA - Gronk arrested after violently punching street sign and fly-kicking car; still shit
Fan Mail: Moree
Vote: ACT’s Shittest Suburb
Click/tap on a suburb’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 22/3. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is the ACT’s Shittest Suburb?