Congratulations to Townsville on being voted Shit Town of the Year for 2022!
Brownsville won in an absolute mudslide, registering more than twice the votes of its nearest competitor. This is Towntown’s second successive brown crown, capping another successfully shit year for the Queensland craphole.
Here are the final standings:
Townsville, QLD: 30%
Mount Druitt, NSW: 14.8%
Alice Springs, NT: 12.7%
Port Pirie, SA: 11.5%
Frankston, VIC: 10.1%
Port Hedland, WA: 8.4%
Fyshwick, ACT: 6.4%
Queenstown, TAS: 5.9%
Check out our Townsville review here.
To all the shit towns that were too shit to win, better luck next year. If you have any mates who will want to vote in 2023, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Gladstone
Gladstone’s main claim to fame is its position on the edge of the bleached carcass of the Great Barrier Reef, which is what happens when you plonk a gargantuan coal terminal, an alumina refinery, an aluminium smelter and three LNG plants in a World Heritage area, then dredge the fuck out of the seabed and dump the sludge all over the coral. Replete with the ubiquitous stench of caustic and an eerie green sky, the reef-wrecking seaside shitnest of Gladstone exploits its location to lure in tourists, who apparently enjoy swimming with dead dugongs at coaldust-coated beaches in the shadow of hulking industrial monstrosities and emerging from the polluted sea covered in mysterious sores.
Gladstone is primarily inhabited by self-righteous bogan mercenaries who not only think it’s okay to destroy a natural wonder of the world so they can buy an HSV but also that Australia owes them a debt of gratitude for doing so. The only upside of Gladstone’s environmental vandalism is that the toxic air quickly strips the shiny red paint off these brand-new boganmobiles’ bonnets.
Originally called Port Curtis, the city was renamed Gladstone because you’re only glad to be there if you’re stoned. The poo pit was once promoted as a possible capital of Queensland, but even then it was so shit that the powers that be preferred the burgeoning boganopolis of Brisbane. In 1945, the crew of a US Air Force plane were so disturbed by the sight of Gladstone that they flew headfirst into the ground. These days, the city is conveniently home to a cyanide plant, which should prove useful if the locals ever realise what a disgrace their town is and decide to make a quick exit.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Sydney, NSW — Cops beat the shit out of elderly protester; 11 primary school kids burnt in botched science experiment
Maroochydore, QLD — Woman claims self defence after allegedly stabbing man who threw hot chicken at her
Evans Head, NSW — Six 16-17-year-old boys and girls arrested after allegedly using dating app to lure victims before mugging them
Cairns, QLD — Traffic camera set on fire; woman admits hiring man to cut off policeman’s dick
Alice Springs, NT — Residents told to evacuate CBD for 2nd time in 2 weeks as feral teens rampage through streets in stolen cars
Toowoomba, QLD — Pair of naked gronks seen dancing in road and hitting cars
Townsville, QLD — Crim sentenced for robbing magistrate’s house; four 12-13-year-old kids face drug, burglary and car theft charges
Perth, WA — Woman charged after police chase in stolen maxi taxi; 50 drones worth $100k fall into river during sky show
Brisbane, QLD — Hackers make electronic billboard show porn for 3 minutes
Gawler, SA — Woman gets stuck in well while trying to rescue cat
Geoff Rissole Live
If you’re in Auckland, check out Shit Towns co-writer Geoff Rissole live this Wednesday.