STOA Newsletter #102
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
Due to overwhelming demand we are now sharing a slang map of Brisbane, following on from Sydney and Melbourne. Our mapmaker is beavering away in the background on more Aussie cities, so keep an eye out on future newsletters.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Brisbane Slang Map
A slang map of Brisbane created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Shit Suburb: Fortitude Valley
Fortitude Valley is considered Brisbane’s entertainment capital but would be more accurately described as a post-coital queef reincarnated as a suburb. Jammed full of dodgy nightclubs, dive bars, pokie dens, brothels, strip clubs, sex shops and Asian takeaways, the suburb is a sleazy Shangri-la for Brisbane bogans who can’t be fucked flying to Pattaya. Ironically, despite all the happy pills, happy hours and happy endings, Fortitude Valley is actually a miserable hole.
The area’s first European settlers were Scottish immigrants who were tricked into moving there by the promise of free land and ten-dollar hand jobs. Immediately filled with regret, they named it Fortitude Valley because you need copious reserves of fortitude to live there. The suburb was such a cesspit of sin that in the 1920s the Catholic Church decided it was in dire need of a giant cathedral. However, even the Southern Hemisphere’s biggest church couldn’t stem the flow of filth in Fortitude Valley, and the project was abandoned in despair after four decades of construction. The site now houses a six-storey sex complex called Satan’s Sluts.
No one actually lives in Fortitude Valley, but each night the sordid suburb is filled with shitloads of pill-popping roid ragers in skin-tight Tapout shirts power-chundering on shop windows, running in front of cars and coward-punching each other for shits and giggles, sweaty sex pests crawling the streets while their wives and kids sleep at home, and gaggles of eighteen-year-old girls wearing almost nothing seeing how long they can dance, squeal and take pouty selfies before their drinks get spiked. By day, the streets are covered in mentally disturbed individuals screaming screeds of nonsense while sitting in puddles of their own piss.
Several attempts have been made to change the Valley’s image as a den of debauchery but have met strong resistance. In fact, the suburb is Australia’s first official ‘Special Entertainment Precinct’, meaning its nocturnal carnage is protected by the government, making it the exact opposite of Sydney.
From our book Sh*t Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Kempsey, NSW — Mum filmed making her baby vape
Adelaide, SA — Woman allegedly tries to run over partner because he ate one of her chips; learner driver busted doing 253 km/h; possum on powerlines gets electrocuted, sparks grassfire
Portland, VIC — Woman sentenced for robbing dead friend; mayor accused of bringing booze to alcohol-free youth event
Townsville, QLD — Pair of 10-year-old kids crash stolen car in main road; gronk ‘borrows’ flatmate’s car then sends him video of it burning
Inkerman, QLD — Cowardly couple carjack and assault 85-year-old man
Rockhampton, QLD — Thieves disguised as workers ransack mail centre
Cairns, QLD — Methed-up rapper steals can of oysters and punches IGA staff in the head
Gold Coast, QLD — Male and female drivers brawl in middle of road
Kalgoorlie, WA — Gronk hides from police in his fridge
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Big OI to QLD this week. Everyone complains but you hit the nail on the head with Fortitude Valley. You really have been there.
I look forward to reading your newsletter ever week.