Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
After sharing a slang map of Sydney a few weeks ago, we were inundated by requests for a Melbourne version — we’re stoked to share that in this issue. There will also be a bunch more Aussie slang maps in the near future.
Also this week: we pick on the poor old millionaires of Toorak, plus more sex, drugs ‘n’ gronks in your weekly Shit Town Power Rankings.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Melbourne Slang Map
A slang map of Melbourne created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Shit Suburb: Toorak
A bastion of entitled snobs since the 1880s, Toorak is synonymous with black Range Rovers, vaginal rejuvenation and old-money toffs. Comprised of tree-lined streets and colonial mansions adorned with swimming pools and tennis courts, Melbourne’s most exclusive suburb is packed with lecherous lawyers, real estate agents and cosmetic surgeons plotting to leave their current trophy wives for the latest model, proving that while you might be able to buy a brand-new SUV, you can’t buy class. A common sight in the suburb is desperate housewives, who think living inside their postcode affords them a superior status, sneering at the commoners as they drive their Toorak tractors down the rugged terrain of Toorak Road on their way to bottomless brunch with the girls.
A cradle of future prime ministers and insider traders, Toorak is the perfect place to live if you have trouble remembering whether Chardonnay is your racehorse or your mistress. The adultery capital of Victoria is actually named after the average number of breast augmentations for his mistresses the average male resident has paid for.
Recently, old mansions in Toorak have been demolished and replaced with avant-garde architectural edifices to house the nouveau riche trying to slather themselves in the reflected respectability of the welded-on upper class. Unfortunately for this bevy of tech entrepreneurs and crooked bankers, no amount of filthy lucre will ever make them inbred enough to ever really fit in.
Less Beverly Hills and more Vaucluse without the sea views, Toorak is where Melbourne hides its pretentious blue bloods and their well-heeled offspring so they can’t bother the regular folk just trying to go about their lives.
From our book Sh*t Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Kulangoor, QLD — Naked gronk clings to moving horse float after fleeing crash scene
Hobart, TAS — Eshays chuck chairs at each other in street; man bashed at Woolies; e-scooter rider breaks bones after being brake checked by aggro SUV driver
Adelaide, SA — Couple filmed fucking on public beach
Wallaroo, SA — Maniac smashes hospital and ambulance windows
Perth, WA — Plane passenger charged after allegedly swallowing cocaine, shitting it out and swallowing it again
Townsville, QLD — Feral kids steal till from bus after being kicked off for chroming
Alice Springs, NT — Gronk arrested after driving away from court immediately after being disqualified from driving (while also unlicensed, over alcohol limit and on drugs)
West Ryde, NSW — Driverless van ram-raids sex toy shop
Nathalia, VIC — Woman sleep-walks out of second-storey window
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit