STOA Newsletter #114
Introducing the bin chicken parmi
Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we follow up last week’s Casino coverage with a review of nearby Grafton, round up the week’s shittiest behaviour in the power rankings, and rank the country’s dumbest regional foods.
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Shit Town: Grafton
Grafton was founded by self-proclaimed ‘cedar-getters’ and originally named ‘The Settlement’, suggesting the city’s founding fathers possessed the combined vocabulary of a learning-impaired toddler or the 45th president of the United States. Today, Grafton is best-known for its two dominant features: a gaol in the middle of town that ought to house all who surround it, and a double-decker deathtrap of a bridge with notorious hair-raising corners at each end. The bendy bastard links the deserted CBD with the slum named South Grafton and is appropriately accessed via Bent Street.
Grafton is populated by a variety of unsavoury types, including junkies making bumpers from gutter butts, rednecks writing country songs about fisting horses, and hoons doing doughies in their ‘show cars’ in between impregnating their underage girlfriends. The local league team goes by the name the Grafton Ghosts, presumably because they get killed in every match.
Grafton hosts an annual Jacaranda Festival dedicated to its favourite type of tree, which is the world’s weakest excuse for a half-day piss-up. Another half-day off not working is awarded for the Grafton Cup, which is like the Melbourne Cup but with shitfaced deros in wife beaters and league shorts instead of shitfaced deros in thousand-dollar suits. The most exciting thing that happens in G-Hole is when the bull-shark-infested Clarence River floods every few years.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Rockingham, WA — Dickhead and 8-year-old son of dickhead bash 91-year-old man for no reason
Toowoomba, QLD — Officers injured after 4 cop cars rammed by stolen truck
Sydney, NSW — Red light runner flees after bowling over 3 kids; despo charged after killing and trying to cook bin chicken
Cairns, QLD — Lifeguard accused of filming kids in public pool changing room; intruder falls into cactus; Great Barrier Reef tests positive for chlamydia
Hobart, TAS — Drunk driver charged after crashing into ambulance attending accident; serial public wanker jailed over fresh batch of offences; high school student injures hand while smashing window with dildo
Katherine, NT — 10- and 11-year-old kids arrested after allegedly holding up servo with scissors and toy gun
Wynyard, TAS — Granddad KO’d by coward punch at wedding, followed by mad brawl involving groom, mother of bride and old lady whacking people with walking stick
Busselton, WA — Gronk armed with gun holds up gun shop to steal guns
Edmonton, QLD — Drongo arrested after running past police station with stolen cash register
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Top 10 Dumbest Regional Foods
Australians are famously adventurous and equally famously feral, so it’s no surprise that they eat some truly disgusting dishes. Here are some of their weirdest, dumbest and rankest regional foods.
Pie floater (Adelaide) — A meat pie dumped upside down in a bowl of pea soup and topped with tomato sauce, the pie floater was almost certainly invented by accident. Why anyone would want to intentionally repeat that culinary disaster is anyone’s guess.
Smiley fritz (Adelaide) — A variation of bung fritz (anus sausage) with marks resembling facial features, slices of smiley fritz are traditionally given to children in South Australian supermarkets so they can bite eye holes and wear them as a mask. Ideal for any budding Ed Gein.
Balfours frog cake (Adelaide) — Sponge, cream and fondant sculpted into the shape of a frog’s head, the frog cake is the perfect dessert for people who want to pretend they’re Ozzy Osbourning an amphibian.
Cheese slaw (Broken Hill) — An unholy melange of cheddar, carrot and emu semen that only the most depraved individuals would claim is food.
Cheese and carrot salad (Port Pirie) — Port Pirie’s shit answer to cheese slaw.
Ratbait (Port Pirie) — Cheese and bacon baked on bread. It’s called ratbait because you’d have to be vermin to eat that shit.
Chiko Roll (nationwide) — Invented in Bendigo and unveiled in Wagga Wagga, the Chiko Roll has spread like nits in Nimbin to become a supposed Australian icon—despite being owned by an American company and being basically the same thing as a Chinese spring roll. ‘Chiko’ is short for ‘chicken’, even though they don’t contain any. A more accurate name would be ‘Cabbage Roll’ or ‘Calorie Tube’.
Dim sim (Melbourne/nationwide) — Originating in Melbourne’s Chinatown but now a takeaway staple across Australia, the giant dumpling known as a dim sim or ‘dimmy’ is great if you’re craving a meal that resembles a boiled ballsack.
Florrie (Horsham) — A flat, crumbed piece of horse steak wrapped around a slice of ham and a bit of cheese, often drowned in gravy to mask the awful taste.
Bin chicken parmi (Sydney) — Sydney put its own twist on an Aussie pub grub classic by substituting chicken for the much cheaper ibis. Consisting of breaded bin chicken breast smothered in tomato sauce and grilled parmesan and served with chips, this local delicacy makes Sydney the ideal place for intrepid tourists to try some disease-riddled tip turkey.
OMG. Laughing my ass off, as usual. Love "calorie tube." Wish you guys would visit the Napa Valley and give your unadulterated opinions on our equally stupid cuisine.
https://www.winesphincter.com/
A ' Florrie ' no thanks . Does it really have horse meat in it. ? And do they really eat Ibis in Sydney ?