STOA Newsletter #191
Shit National Days of Australia
Welcome to the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter for another shitty year, beginning with an Australia Day special edition. Normal service will resume soon, with the return of all your favourite shitty segments including shit town reviews, the Shit Town Power Rankings, fan mail and polls, so stay tuned!
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Shit Event: Australia Day
If Bathurst is Bogan Christmas then Australia Day is Redneck Mardi Gras, the perfect excuse for hordes of gronks to imbibe enough alcohol to paralyse an elephant, discard their shirts, and drape themselves in their best Chinese-made Aussie flags to match the Southern Cross tattoos that they got in Bali. It’s the one day of the year when the whole country becomes Cronulla.
Australia is one of the few countries that celebrates the day it was invaded, which is a bit like America hosting a Pearl Harbour Day pool party or France hosting any number of events for any number of invasions. Apparently, the most appropriate way to commemorate nicking an entire continent is by ingesting copious amounts of badly barbecued meat and cheap piss before chundering it up again all over the stolen ground.
While particularly beloved by bogans, Australia Day is truly a day for all Australians — bogans get to be a bit racist, and hipsters with arts degrees get something to whinge about on Bluesky before showing off their ‘wokeness’ by performing a Welcome to Country at their vegan barbecue in order to root a white girl with dreadlocks and hairy legs. Everybody wins!
If you’re in a major city, round out the day by watching a spectacular display of fireworks that will terrorise the native wildlife and quite possibly start a catastrophic bushfire. Aussie Aussie Aussie!
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Top 10 Things to Do on Australia Day
Fly your Chinese-made Aussie flag
Play ‘Goon of Fortune’ and get into a fist fight with a Hills Hoist
Chunder up a medley of VB and cheap snags
Lose a week’s pay betting on the ferry race
Do a shoey on the steps of the Opera House
Get a Southern Cross tattoo on your perineum
Claim an entire continent is uninhabited and colonise it
Finger a wombat
Spend your entire day off work arguing with strangers on social media
Stick a cracker up your clacker
Thankyou, you just made me day...long live the gronks😄