STOA Newsletter #181
Victoria's Shittest Town + Bogan Christmas
Congratulations to Geelong on being voted Victoria’s Shittest Town for 2024! Geetroit edged out perennial contender Frankston by 0.1% to qualify for the national finals later this year, when they will take on Port Pirie, Alice Springs, Broome, Bridgewater and three more shit towns for the title of Shit Town of the Year.
Last year’s surprise champ Glen Waverley put in a truly pathetic defence, falling well short of the brown crown this time. Other previous winners include Frankston (2020, 2022), Moe (2021) and Shepparton/Ballarat (2019).
Here are the final standings:
Geelong: 11%
Frankston: 10.9%
Moe: 9.8%
Melton: 7.7%
Melbourne: 6.9%
Morwell: 6.6%
Broadmeadows: 6.3%
Shepparton: 6.2%
Dandenong: 5.9%
Wodonga: 5.9%
Mildura: 4.5%
Ballarat: 4.4%
Carag Carag: 3.9%
Horsham: 2.3%
Glen Waverley: 2.2%
Bendigo: 1.9%
Echuca: 1.8%
Portland: 1.8%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for the ACT’s Shittest Town! If you know any Canberrans who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
We’ll also have a write-up of Geelong for you next week.
Shit Event: Bathurst 1000
Held at the Mount Panorama Circuit in the eponymous shit town and commonly known as Bogan Christmas, the Bathurst 1000 is an annual orgy of car carnage that sees vast hordes of mechanophiles drink-drive from as far afield as Logan, Geelong and Penrith for a long weekend of cheering on their favourite international automobile manufacturing conglomerate. The options are Ford or Chevrolet, and you must choose one. You don’t need to know why—you just need to buy a decal of Calvin pissing on whichever one you didn’t pick.
In an effort to reduce the booze-fuelled anarchy, authorities have imposed a limit of one box of grog per drongo per day, barely enough to keep the average Australian male awake. Enterprising yobbos have taken to burying crates of VB months prior to the Great Race and digging them up on the big day in the most bogan treasure hunt possible. Popular side events include blowing up toilet blocks, firebombing ice-cream trucks, and beating up people who like the wrong type of car.
Traditionally dominated by the intense rivalry between Ford and Holden, Bathurst has recently plummeted in cultural significance due to the latter’s demise. Holden was replaced for the 2023 edition by Chevrolet, a brand with about as much relevance to Australians as the concept of shame or the phrase ‘drinking in moderation’. It remains to be seen if the event’s celebrated ‘Hunger Games for hillbillies’ vibe can survive the setback.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Sydney, NSW — Doctor banned from practising after jerking off STD patient; Qantas streams R-rated movie to entire plane on flight to Tokyo
Adelaide, SA — Gronkess charged after allegedly using phone while drink-driving with 6 kids in car; cops fail to catch tradie who slashed tyres of speed camera van while officer was inside; arseholes burn down playground
Penrith, NSW — Pair of gronks shot by cops after stealing MP’s car and driving at officers
Melbourne, VIC — Champion racehorse tests positive for meth
Brisbane, QLD — Gronk tries to bash his way through train window after security catch him wanking in front of passengers
Wollongong, NSW — Drongo fined $60k after dumping 2000 tyres in national park; pair of gronks charged after allegedly choking naked man and stealing his weed and harmonica
Geelong, VIC — Drongo has a shower, shaves and takes a nap in house while robbing it; 13-year-old girl expected to be charged over school fire
Ballarat, VIC — Bungling burglar busted after buying can of Coke from vending machine at scene of crime and leaving it behind for cops to scrape his DNA off; gronk faces court for shitting on woman’s lawn and stealing Collingwood jumper
Griffith, NSW — Cops find 44kg of weed in boot of car that hit kangaroo
Launceston, TAS — Gronk jailed after fleeing cops through back yards with Kinder Surprise egg full of meth in his sock
Fan Mail: Bathurst 1000
I like the phrase “brown crown.” 😂 💩 👑