STOA Newsletter #192
Bondi + Bogan Blowback
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Eastern Suburbs
Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs is home to some of the world’s most iconic beaches—unfortunately, it is also home to some of the world’s biggest dickheads. Populated largely by the feckless offspring of investment bankers and property developers, the most popular activities in the Eastern Suburbs include taking Instagram photos of your açai bowl, claiming to be an ‘entrepreneur’ on dating apps, and carefully curating your diet despite ingesting more cocaine than Whitney Houston. The average Eastern Suburbanite is easily identifiable by their gym-sculpted rig, a wardrobe slathered in Ralph Lauren Polo logos and a timepiece more expensive than a Campbelltown fibro.
The Eastern Suburbs’ premier attraction is the world-famous Bondi Beach, a flog-frequented patch of sand usually covered with ‘Bondi cigars’ (turds), mountains of litter, and pasty British backpackers sunbaking themselves to the colour of burnt bacon. The popular Bondi to Coogee coastal walk is great if you’re keen to case some flash houses or fall off a cliff. While in town, watch the Sydney Roosters, who take advantage of their fans’ natural proclivity towards financial fraud to be perennial contenders in the NRL (National Rort-the-salary-cap League).
Recently locals have launched a campaign to ban trains and buses from the Eastern Suburbs in order to cut down on the number of peasants who can freely roam their well-appointed streets. Who needs public transport when you have a Tesla powered solely by the owner’s smug sense of self-satisfaction?
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings: Extended Summer Edition
Adelaide, SA — 16 neo-Nazis arrested after gathering at war memorial to protest about their tiny little penises; grub couple charged for allegedly faking kid’s cancer to get donations; driver flees as 20 ferals brawl on bus; gronks steal cop car and drive off with sirens blaring; naked gronk rescued from top of fountain
Burnie, TAS — Gronk appears in court by video link while taking a shit
Sydney, NSW — Childcare centre torched and schools vandalised in antisemitic attacks; paraplegic caught with cocaine in undies after fleeing cops with kids in car; ‘dead body’ in park turns out to be discarded fuck doll
Perth, WA — Gronkess cops community-based order after allegedly trying to hide bag of meth in her dog’s arsehole
Melbourne, VIC — Cruise ship staff dress in white pointy KKK-shaped masks, claim they were ‘upside down snow cones’; drongo gets rental car bogged on beach; gronk steals fish from aquarium by hiding it in his undies; cat flies between Aus and NZ 3 times after airport workers forget to unload it from cargo hold
Wodonga, VIC — 11-year-old accused of cutting off man’s fingers in machete attack
Mount Gambier, SA — Gronkess charged after car and trailer catch fire while fleeing cops while on meth with kids in car
Moree, NSW — 12- and 13-year-old kids charged after elderly couple assaulted during burglary; 14-year-old charged after string of armed robberies of hotel rooms
Kalgoorlie, WA — 15-year-old charged after allegedly stealing two cars with kids in them
Townsville, QLD — 13-year-old allegedly rams cops in stolen car; feral teens hit elderly woman with plank in robbery
Hastings, VIC — 12-year-old girl allegedly burns down train station
Wangaratta, VIC — Pair of drongos set themselves on fire while trying to torch car
Ingham, QLD — Gronkess jailed after headbutting old man and stealing his KFC
Logan, QLD — Shirtless road rager attacks victim’s car with bong
Toowoomba, QLD — Samurai sword thief caught by cops after fleeing while naked; gronk sentenced for threatening randoms with spear
Geelong, VIC — Gronk drives to pub in stolen car, gets in a fight, climbs on roof, chucks stuff at cops, strips naked; gronkess gets stuck in Macca’s drive-thru after driving in wrong way while drunk
Canberra, ACT — Drongo charged after walking into police station and going ham with sledgehammer; woman and her dog accused of biting cops
Hobart, TAS — Poo leaks into river after sugary water from Cadbury factory kills shit-eating bugs in sewerage system
Gold Coast, QLD — Influencer fined for cooking steak while driving; shit pipe bursts again
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Australia Day
Some of the Facebook feedback from our 2025 Australia Day coverage.
Hilarious, I love it. Keep it coming.
This column never fails to make coffee geyser out of my nose.Well done!