STOA Newsletter #193
Burnie: Not Worth the Journey!
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review Burnie, where a Tasmaniac recently appeared in court by video link while taking a shit. If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Burnie
Once home to a paper mill, a paint factory and an acid plant, the Tasmanian turd pit Burnie was for many years Australia’s most polluted city, famous for its obnoxious odour and stained red sea. In fact, it was such a polluted hellhole that it inspired a Midnight Oil song, putting it in such illustrious company as the asbestos wasteland of Wittenoom and the nuclear nightmare of Maralinga. Fortunately, Burnie’s belching plants have since closed, taking with them the majority of the town’s jobs. Nevertheless, Burnie lingers like that stubborn nugget that refuses to flush and remains a major exporter of woodchips and bogans.
One of Burnie’s greatest achievements was somehow tricking cruise ships into docking there for the most disappointing stop of their tour. In Burnie it rains for approximately 26 hours per day and is so cold that thousands of sheep imported by settlers in the 1820s promptly froze to death. Local sights are limited to an unsightly port, the world’s biggest woodchip pile and a boring boardwalk along a rugged, penguin-infested coast. Strangely, it is impossible to find a parking space in Burnie even though all of the shops are boarded up.
There is no nightlife or normal entertainment in Burnie—as locals will tell you, the only thing to do there is your cousin. Residents thus resort to the traditional Tasmanian pastimes of incest, cannibalism and hooning (‘Burnie’ is short for ‘Place to do Burnouts’). Burnians are also known for their rampant homophobia—if you want to root a relative, you’d better make damn sure they’re a different gender.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Port Pirie, SA — 3 scumbags allegedly caught importing date-rape drugs
Coffs Harbour, NSW — Gronk hijacks car with kid inside then runs over woman who tried to stop him
Albury, NSW — 11-year-old allegedly films police chase after threatening elderly woman with knife
Nambour, QLD — Gronk bites victim’s arse and squeezes his balls in squabble over $20
Townsville, QLD — Gronk allegedly steals and crashes Ergon ute while driver was assessing flood damage; deadshits predictably loot flood-struck town
Sydney, NSW — Gronkfluencer climbs inside operating jet engine for social media video
Adelaide, SA — Boganess threatens to kill 12-year-old girl in classroom; cops investigate gender reveal burnout; horny thief pleads guilty to taking luxury car on 300km joyride during test drive and possessing illegal aphrodisiac
Red Cliffs, VIC — Man fined after rooting woman in broad daylight in public park
Coraki, NSW — Drug lab allegedly discovered in flood recovery housing site
Bendigo, VIC — Sex toy thief busted taking meth and crack pipe to court
Fan Mail: Eastern Suburbs
Some of the Facebook feedback from our review of Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs.
Should be Rokeby Tasmania at number 1! Parents let their kids die in a house fire, wasn’t even with them when they passed away in hospital! Absolute scum
As someone who was in and raised in Burnie, you are spot on. This place is trash galore! ☆