STOA Newsletter #202
Palmerslum
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Palmerston
Built in the 1980s to house Darwin’s rejects and saddled with the city’s unwanted old name, Palmerston is the epitome of sloppy seconds. The planned satellite slum is filled with people driven out of Darwin by rising house prices, which makes a nice change from people being driven out of Darwin by people who live in Palmerston. Despite a climate so inhospitable that the air is easier to drink than breathe, Palmerslum is inhabited by numerous dangerous lifeforms including crocs, river snakes and gangs of grog-guzzling gronks.
Palmerstonians are creatures of habit, engaging in several regular traditions. On ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ they celebrate dole day by redistributing their payments to the local bottle-o. On Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, they patiently wait outside the police station for their loved ones to be released from the drunk tank. Once a week, Palmerstoners cut another couple of inches off their neighbour’s hose to make a new bottle bong. And every night they hold fun family events that normally involve drink-driving their unmuffled shitboxes to brand-new housing developments, where they decorate the freshly laid roads with vast murals of skid marks. Other popular Palmerston pastimes include punching grey nomads, pissing on passed-out long grassers, and tipping recent hospital patients out of their wheelchairs to pinch their catheter bags after mistaking them for goon.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Alice Springs, NT — Deadshit charged after female Danish tourist brutally knocked out
Lajamanu, NT — Feral kids allegedly steal ambulance, travel 500km to Halls Creek and ram pair of police cars
Melbourne, VIC — Gronk charged and gronkess shot by cops after randos threatened with gun from stolen car; hooligans smuggle loaded guns into AFL match; bogans fight on flight to Bali over reclining seat
South Hedland, WA — Creep breaks into elderly woman’s home and flashes his sad little dick
Penrith, NSW — Knife-wielding pest steals bondage kit from sex shop
Cardwell, QLD — Elderly man hospitalised and residents hide in homes as violent cassowary takes over street
Sarina, QLD — Drongo steals car to get home in time for court-mandated curfew
Hamilton, VIC — Drongo fined after dealing weed in front of carload of cops
St George, QLD — Local yokels shoot out a quarter of the council’s flood prevention cameras
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Central Coast
Some of the response to our Central Coast review.
Love your work
Great selection there, people. Townsville is MIA for some reason.