STOA Newsletter #203
From Palmo to Parra
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review Parramatta, hear back from Palmerston, and rank the rankest towns of the week in the power rankings. Good Friday? More like Shit Friday!
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Parramatta
The bit of Sydney that the rest of Sydney prefers to pretend doesn’t exist, Parramatta is a sprawling suburban shitscape dotted with RSLs, shopping centres and copy-pasted townhouses. The city is regarded as the CBD of Greater Western Sydney, or in other words, the capital of Shitsville. It is Australia’s oldest inland European settlement, having been settled before explorers discovered the vast myriad of better places to live. In its early days, Parramatta gained the nickname of ‘Australia’s cradle city’ due to all the teen pregnancy. It is now home to the New South Wales Police Force, who go where they’re needed most.
Parramatta likes to boast about its ‘vibrant culture’, which is true if ‘vibrant culture’ means casual stabbings, flagrant drug use and a CBD full of bands of roving junkies. Plans by the state government to relocate the Powerhouse Museum to Western Sydney have been mired in controversy, with many detractors suggesting that Parramatta will reject any attempt to instil culture there in much the same way that an organ donor’s body rejects a pig heart as something that doesn’t belong. In the meantime, Parramatta will have to make do with what has always passed for ‘culture’: a meat raffle at the RSL.
‘Parramatta’ translates to ‘the place where the eels lie down’, a reference to its awful NRL team. It’s not surprising that the city identifies with a spineless bottom feeder most at home in stagnant water and sewers. The Eels have done Parramatta proud with a long history of mediocrity coupled with some truly memorable off-field incidents, including drug possession, road rage and consorting with bikies.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Brisbane, QLD — Woman gives birth to stranger’s baby after IVF fuck-up
Red Cliffs, VIC — Grub assaults supermarket worker before flinging his own shit at stranger who came to his aid
Townsville, QLD — Bus driver dumps school kids on side of flooded road; man bashed and stabbed by hooker and pimp; gronks burn down kids’ playground
Gold Coast, QLD — Creep charged after allegedly wanking in front of teenage girl on bus; gronk allegedly assaults cops after stealing food delivery; hoons taunt cop car after it spins out on roundabout
Canberra, ACT — Pest arrested after allegedly wanking in library; drongo flees cops in Ranger towing Hilux before trying to escape by swimming across lake
Port Pirie, SA — Pair of teens arrested for allegedly burning down classroom; still shit
Glenorchy, TAS — Wild mob of feral kids riot in Big W
Mildura, VIC — Homeless man accused of naked street rampage demands judge increase his jail sentence
Darwin, NT — Cops increase presence at airport due to rise in passengers too drunk to fly
Sydney, NSW — Boa constrictor captured after days on the loose
Fan Mail: Palmerston
Some correspondence from a couple of Karens in response to our Palmerston piece.
I was born in Parramatta and my parents were actually married, so l suppose that makes me rather unique. You are slipping gents, you were far too kind. Sharpen up.
What I don't get is this: most of the fan mail comes from illiterate bogans who have difficulty stringing a sentence together, so, I'm surptised they can even read or understand the piece they're whinging about. However, the comments do show that there's a lot of truth in the stories.