Welcome to the 50th edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
If you’re reading the online version or want to suggest us to a mate, here’s the subscription link to get our content delivered directly to your/their inbox: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Cairns
Cairns was inexplicably built on a swamp in uninhabitable Far North Queensland, making it a sweltering shitbox with a million per cent humidity year-round. The city experiences two seasons: the wet season, featuring an unrelenting torrent of rain and tropical cyclones, and the even wetter season. Temperatures range from far too hot to face-melting. Even taking a dip won’t cool you off as the water is frequently warm enough to boil a baby. Nevertheless, the punishing heat forces many poor bastards to brave the water, presenting them with the choice of cavorting with crocs and box jellyfish in the sea or paddling between toddler turds and blobs of backpacker jizz in ‘The Lagoon’.
Despite featuring a climate unsuitable for human life, Cairns has managed to leverage its proximity to the bleached remains of the Great Barrier Reef into a thriving international tourism industry, which means the town is now lousy with heat-stricken backpackers rooting in public, fighting in the street and getting high from Gatorade bottle bongs. Other popular tourist activities include being the victim of car theft, getting mauled by psychotic cassowaries and being left stranded in the middle of the ocean by a Great Barrier Reef dive tour. Cairns’s most iconic landmark is a humungous statue of Captain Cook giving a Nazi salute in a nod to Australia’s race relations record.
From our book Sh*t Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Perth, WA — Rub & tug shops spark ‘Cockburn cluster’ of covid cases
Gold Coast, QLD — Affluent suburb filled with smell of shit after construction workers smash sewerage line
Byron Bay, NSW — Axe-wielding maniac jailed after chasing and ramming stranger’s car
Mackay, QLD — Gronk flees on tractor after trying to steal helicopter
Somersby, NSW — Zoo slammed for trying to rent out koalas for $2000/hour
Bendigo, VIC — Drunk woman bites and throws toilet seat at partner
Tennant Creek, NT — Escaped prisoner recaptured after climbing into mayor’s back yard and asking him for a ciggie
Swan Hill, VIC — Suspended driver gets 3 vehicles impounded in a week, including go kart
North Stradbroke Island, QLD — ‘Vaginal kung fu sex guru’ charged with assault after altercation with census worker
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail
Another Australia Day, another torrent of Facebook fan mail. Here are some of our favourites.