Shit Holidays Newsletter #1
Bali
Welcome to the inaugural Shit Holidays newsletter, a spin-off from Shit Towns of Australia by the same authors, Rick Furphy and Geoff Rissole. In this weekly bonus issue, we’ll profile a range of popular international holiday destinations and cover all the unique elements that make them shit. We begin this week with the Australian bogan’s destination of choice, Bali.
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Bali
Billed as an island paradise, Bali is more of a cut-price dickhead magnet. The traffic-choked cultural wasteland of Kuta is lined with nightclubs bearing Aussie-baiting names like The Flying Roo or The Horny Anzac - all overstuffed with gurning tourists ripped off their tits on jungle juice and mushies they bought off a dodgy prick in the street, along with hordes of deadshit ‘toolies’ burning through their FIFO pay packets by flying to exotic locations to sexually assault teenage girls in a tropical climate.
Bali is also popular with leathery expat sex pests pitching themselves as ‘yoga masters’ as a means to meet middle-aged singles in Lululemon trying to fuck their divorce away. Unfortunately, the only form of ‘enlightenment’ these gurus pass on is a particularly virulent strain of gonorrhoea.
Within moments of arriving in Bali, you will undoubtedly be accosted by numerous locals parroting ‘g’day mate’ in a fake Aussie accent before trying to rent you a scooter, a jet ski or a prostitute, and quite possibly by a shirtless English exile with nipple rings trying to sell you someone else’s identity. The island is also lousy with disgusting animals including rabid dogs, creepy tailless cats, aggressive monkeys, and several species of Australian.
Some Australians love Bali so much they try to smuggle in barely concealed drugs just to enjoy a prolonged stay in the Hotel Kerobokan, a five-star correctional facility that combines the rustic charm of a Turkish brothel with the abuse and deprivation of Catholic school. Perfect if you are trying to secure a ‘tell-all’ exclusive with a dodgy current affairs program!
In fact, Bali is such a popular tourist destination that it is falling apart. The allegedly pristine beaches are actually covered in a tidal wave of trash including dead dogs, medical waste and dismembered backpackers. The local economy has abandoned the traditional industries of rice farming and wood carving in favour of selling counterfeit watches, massaging obese Westerners and extorting bribes from gullible foreigners.
Bali’s tap water is about 90% sewage and chemical waste, which might explain why the island is covered with several layers of plastic bottles. Any contact with the toxic sludge will give you an immediate dose of Bali belly, a savage case of diarrhoea that will help you meet your weight loss goals by causing you to shit out half of your internal organs. Namaste!
Bali Facts
Population: 4.3 million (plus 5 million Australians).
Currency: Indonesian Rupiah, Bintang singlets.
Language: Balinese, Indonesian, Australian.
Demonym: Balinoid.
Also known as: Bogan’s Paradise, Budget Gold Coast.
As seen in: Eat Pray Love, a Julia Roberts chick flick that draws hordes of menopausal housewives to Bali, only instead of rooting Javier Bardem they end up getting fingered by an unemployed plasterer from Perth who just got off home detention.
Most famous resident: Schapelle Corby, Australia’s second favourite convicted drug smuggling bogan after Cocaine Cassie.
Did you know? ‘Balinese Sunset’ is local slang for anal herpes.
Top 10 Things to Do in Bali
Spend half an hour of your holiday haggling to save 20 cents
Get a shit tattoo with free hepatitis
Get your pubes braided
Spend the majority of your trip on the bog with Bali belly
Go blind after drinking a methanol-laced cocktail
Get bitten by a rabid dog
Get mugged by a monkey
Get blackmailed by a corrupt cop
Lose 85% of your skin in a scooter accident and not be covered by insurance because it was cheaper to pay off a cop than to get a motorbike licence
Wind up on death row after forgetting about the joint in your bag
Thanks for the write up. You may want to advise of the dodgy street money exchangers who magically keep an extra $50 for themselves when they count the money back to you. Or the local food carts that are also known as Cholera Carts. Also memorable were the people and local police that tax you for entering a tourist location. What a shithole, don’t go there unless you can buy a complete body condom for protection. The sewerage runs in open channels at street level. Awesome for the young ones to play turd sailing while you get scammed at the markets.
Thank God some good things never change. I thought they might clean it up during Covid. Looking forward to more of Bali ...