Welcome to another edition of the Shit Holidays newsletter. This week we venture into South America and profile Rio de Janeiro. Plus some of the reader response to our Amsterdam review.
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Rio de Janeiro
Famous for poverty, promiscuity and political corruption, Rio de Janeiro manages to combine stunning beach vistas with rampant street crime and flagrant destitution, making it the perfect destination if you want to get crippling sunburn and a new STD while also dodging stray bullets and gangs of murderous pre-teens.
As the premier tourist trap in a country whose greatest contribution to science is pubic waxing, it’s not surprising that the Brazilian city is a favourite destination of sex pests the world over. Copacabana Beach is the perfect spot for a pervert to enjoy an overpriced cocktail and a public hand shandy while watching locals with botched butt implants frolic in their barely-there bikinis. The highlight of Rio’s calendar is Carnival, a treasured tradition that largely revolves around surgically enhanced human sex dolls in the world’s most elaborate stripper garb twerking their ample arses at families who are just trying to chow down their churros in peace.
Rio is menaced by the iconic ‘Christ the Redeemer’, the fourth largest statue of Jesus in the world and the only one that looks like he is a DJ lording over a crowd full of pinga rats just as he is about to drop the beat. The statue is most famous for losing its fingers to lightning strikes, perhaps indicating that the Almighty isn’t too fond of his only son looking like a ratshit Tiësto.
Founded by the Portuguese (the Pepsi of colonial powers), Rio offers tourists the opportunity to peruse the wreckage of colonialism in a pleasant tropical setting. A must-see is the city’s famous favelas, world-renowned slums ruled over by gangs of adolescent Scarfaces that serve as the perfect backdrop to any number of Hollywood films, Pitbull music videos and violent abductions. Since 2016, visitors can also enjoy wading through the monkey-infested ruins of abandoned Olympic venues.
While in Rio, don’t forget to have a go at Brazil’s favourite pastimes: samba, football and mass deforestation.
Top 10 Things to Do in Rio de Janeiro
Destroy your pubes
Destroy a rainforest
Play a game of futevólei a.k.a. volleyball without hands a.k.a. the dumbest sport known to man
Get high and climb the Big Jesus
Fight a monkey
Drop a loaf at Sugarloaf Mountain
Fight an anaconda
Catch Zika
Fight a toucan
Get kidnapped and murdered when your parents refuse to pay the ransom