Shit Holidays Newsletter #29
Hawaii
Welcome to another issue of the official Shit Holidays newsletter. This week, we’re doing a ScoMo and fleeing to Hawaii — plus we share some Facebook feedback to our Tokyo review.
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Hawaii
Hawaii bills itself as the quintessential tropical paradise — pristine white sandy beaches, palm trees and lush rainforests. Unfortunately, the reality is pretty much what you would expect when you make an unspoilt archipelago part of America — soulless chain hotels and cheesy tiki bars, freeway overpasses crammed with homeless encampments and an endless number of ABC stores selling a seemingly infinite array of junk.
Hawaii’s proximity to the American mainland means the ‘Aloha State’ is overrun by the type of tourists who want to visit a tropical island while still having access to Cinnabon and Walmart. On any given day, herds of heavily sunburnt Midwesterners in Mexican-made Hawaiian shirts descend upon Waikiki Beach like a morbidly obese version of the Normandy landings, devour all overpriced cocktails and pseudo-Polynesian cuisine in their path, and stomp through outlet malls searching for enough bargains to fill the gaping maw at the centre of their existence. Meanwhile, middle-aged men live out their Magnum P.I. fantasies while on holiday with a secretary who wasn’t even born when Tom Selleck was in his sexual prime.
These tedious tourists are well catered for by an array of terrible lodging, dining and entertainment options, whether they be soulless hotels, soulless restaurants or soulless faux-hula cultural parody shows. ‘Hawaiian cuisine’ is something of an oxymoron, consisting of such dubious foods as spam (an elaborate practical joke invented during the war to keep spirits up), shave ice (shit ice cream), and pineapple and raw fish at room temperature. Hawaiian McDonald’s features novelties like taro pies, corn chip burgers and homeless Iraq War vets shooting up at the next table. If your accommodation isn’t an unaffordable luxury resort or an insipid chain hotel, it’s probably a meth lab.
Popular tourist activities in Hawaii include treating the local residents as decoration for your holiday selfies, getting blitzed and committing sexual assault at a hotel luau and catching herpes from a snorkel rental. Fun excursions include the Dole Plantation (where visitors can learn about the many uses for pineapples including a few that aren’t sexual) and Pearl Harbor (the site of the best prank on America until 9/11). Most tourists never venture beyond the borders of the Honolulu urban area, let alone outside of Oahu – however, visitors to any of Hawaii’s islands are able to experience the vog (volcanic smog) that blankets the beaches every time a volcano decides to blow up.
Hawaii Facts
Population: 1.5 million.
Currency: US dollar, leis, little dancing hula girl dashboard ornaments.
Language: English, Hawaiian, Shaka.
Demonym: Haweirdo.
Also known as: The Aloha State, Ha-why, American Bali.
As seen in: Hawaii 5-0, a relatively accurate depiction of the rampant crime that engulfs Honolulu.
Most famous residents: Some of America’s hottest hunks including Jason Momoa, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Mark Zuckerberg.
Did you know? In Hawaiian, ‘aloha’ means both ‘hello’ and ‘get me on the next fucking plane out of here’.
Top 10 Things to Do in Hawaii
Watch a bunch of cruise ship passengers have heart attacks trying to climb Diamond Head
Nearly drown while trying to ‘hang ten’
Catch herpes from a snorkel rental
Get attacked by a manta ray
See the spot where colonial hero Captain Cook was brutally bashed and stabbed to death just because he dabbled in a bit of kidnapping
Get your finger bitten off by a turtle
Get arrested for climbing the Stairway to Heaven
Get paralysed after stepping on a sea urchin
Kamikaze bomb a harbour
Get eaten by a shark
Fan Mail: Tokyo
