STOA Newsletter #127
Vote for Tassie's Shittest Town!
Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
After you voted Glen Waverley as the surprise winner of Victoria’s Shittest Town for 2023, we now turn our attention to Tasmania. We’ve shortlisted 15 turdy towns, shitty cities and septic suburbs based on your suggestions on Facebook. Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Top 10 Rides at Melbourne Disneyland
Pirates of the St Kildaribbean
Scrooge McDuck’s Toorak Tractor
Goofy’s Gangland Shootout Carousel
The Mickey Mouse Commonwealth Games Cockup
Harold Holt Water Park
South Yarra Cruising Cruise
Beauty and the Eddie McGuire
Elsa’s Ice Palace (a.k.a. Frankston)
The Full Sleeve Barista’s Failed STI Test Rollercoaster
Dopey Dan’s Scary Stairs
Shit Town: Nowra
There are contrasting theories as to the origin of Nowra’s name. Some say it’s a European butchering of the local Aboriginal word for black cockatoo. Others suggest it refers to the town being only a-Nowra-way from Wollongong. Other others insist Nowra is an acronym for ‘Number Of Welfare Recipients Astronomical’. One thing everyone can agree upon is that Nowra is an epically shit town.
Founded by a convict and populated by packs of deadshits and fuckwits, Nowra is basically the set of a failed Chris Lilley show. Despite being the South Coast region’s commercial and administrative centre, Nowra is somehow completely devoid of jobs, leaving its residents with nothing to do but piff shopping trolleys into the river or get in a glass fight at Posties. Despite a lack of activities, the town is filled with swarms of moronic tourists from Sydney and Canberra who neglected to do any research before going on holiday.
While the South Coast has some aesthetic appeal, Nowra is a gaping hole, giving the region the nickname ‘Donut’. The saltwater Shoalhaven River acts as a moat for the flog-filled North Nowra and Bomaderry, shielding them from the bogan scum on the ‘wrong side of the bridge’. East Nowra is the shining turd in the Nowra toilet, while Worrigee is also shit mainly because it’s next to East Nowra. If you’re looking for a shit suburb, you simply can’t go wrong in a town whose only purpose is making Wollongong look good.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Melbourne, VIC — Elderly man shot in leg by hooligan in hazmat suit after answering front door; 13-year-old in induced coma after crashing stolen car into random motorist; teachers assaulted during female students’ brawl at same time as male students from same school assault random at train station
Adelaide, SA — 12-year-old boy charged after allegedly stabbing classmate; passenger steals taxi while driver goes into police station to complain that she wouldn’t get out
Frankston, VIC — Gronk charged with lighting 12 fires in CBD and animal cruelty after being found with 2 live ducklings in his undies
Cairns, QLD — Knife-wielding gronk threatens to kill random stranger in the street while tripping on LSD
Launceston, TAS — Four 15-17-year-old allegedly bash and rob man in street
Lorne, VIC — Drongo steals campervan with owners inside, runs off with keys after car breaks down
Shepparton, VIC — Woman charged with burglary and driving offences after 160km/h police chase with 5 teenage passengers
Mildura, VIC — Horny thief steals $1000 of goods from sex shop, including penis pump
Hastings, VIC — Woman seen wanking on nature strip
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Vote: Tasmania’s Shittest Town
Click/tap on a town’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 4/9. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is Tasmania’s Shittest Town?
I do wish East Devonport was on offer, it would get my vote every year!!