STOA Newsletter #126
Victoria's Shittest Town Revealed
Congratulations to Glen Waverley on being voted Victoria’s Shittest Town for 2023! G-Wave will go on to represent the Garden State in the national finals later this year.
This is Glen Waverley’s first state win, following Frankston (2023), Frankston (2022), Moe (2021), Frankston (2020) and Shepparton/Ballarat (2019). Perhaps it had something to do with this.
Here are the final standings:
Glen Waverley: 10.6%
Frankston: 10.3%
Moe: 9%
Broadmeadows: 6.9%
Melbourne: 6.5%
Melton: 5.9%
Shepparton: 5.9%
Sunshine: 5.9%
Morwell: 5.7%
Dandenong: 5.6%
Wodonga: 4.4%
Horsham: 4.2%
Ararat: 3.9%
Ballarat: 3.9%
Geelong: 3.7%
Seymour: 3.6%
Bendigo: 2%
Echuca: 2%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for Tasmania’s Shittest Town! If you know any Tasmaniacs who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Queensland Slang Map
Due to popular demand: a slang map of Queensland by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Previous maps in this series: Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Canberra, Gold Coast, Newcastle, Tasmania, Illawarra, Central Coast, Sunshine Coast, New Zealand.
Shit Town: Frankston
Situated in Melbourne’s sphincter, Frankston is known as ‘the gateway to the Mornington Peninsula’ by people who don’t realise that any trip down the M11 is almost certain not to involve an offramp in Frankghanistan. Given the habits of Frankstoners, a more accurate slogan would be ‘the gateway to the morning-after pill’. Indeed, the suburb’s nickname Franga—also slang for condom—is extremely ironic as people who live there think using protection involves carrying knuckledusters and ‘contraception’ is the name of a Leonardo DiCaprio movie. On the other hand, Franga is an appropriate name because Frankston is also used to gather up all the gross shit you don’t want making another human being.
Frankston North (a.k.a. ‘The Pines’) is the proverbial pube in the poo stew, the part of Frankston that even Frankstoners make Frankston jokes about. The Pines boasts a bounty of rub-and-tug joints, endless traffic chicanes and roundabouts to entertain street racers, and ample outdoor spaces for students of rival high schools to engage in fights. Not far away are the nightlife hotspots of the train station (with a free hep-C screening clinic usefully located across the road) and the hospital emergency department. Amid all of the effluent is the affluent enclave of Olivers Hill, where Frankston keeps its minority population of rich bastards conveniently grouped for burglary purposes.
Despite the flesh-eating bacteria in the water, Frankston Beach is a popular social spot for shitfaced sex pests and other miscellaneous maniacs. For eleven years Frankston residents showcased their expertise at manipulating powdery substances with Australia’s biggest sandcastle competition, where locals created massive sand sculptures depicting their favourite things, such as giant dongs, crack pipes and Centrelink application forms. The event was moved to a new location in 2018 after a judge was pricked by a used needle embedded in a mermaid.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Sarina, QLD — Couple charged after allegedly filming themselves rooting dogs
Broome, WA — Weirdo charged after allegedly posting frozen piss and shit to Leonardo DiCaprio and Jared Leto, which leaked onto AusPost worker
Townsville, QLD — Teens take stolen roller for joyride; school goes into lockdown after 10-year-old goes on vandalism rampage; elderly woman mugged by 10-year-old kid in broad daylight
Burnie, TAS — Maniac attacks 3 people with pickaxe after becoming enraged that toilet was occupied
King Island, TAS — Woman caught driving while 4 times over alcohol limit with kid in the car
Sydney, NSW — Gronks charged after vandalising railway signal box, causing commuter chaos after Matildas match; nuclear material reportedly found during raid of Border Force member’s home
Hobart, TAS — Rubbish truck dumps load of flaming garbage on road after it catches fire; locals warned of dangerous emu on the loose
Adelaide, SA — Gronk allegedly rips cash register off pizza shop counter before hiffing it at four cars including police car, after worker asks him what he wants on his pizza
Victor Harbor, SA — Mother and daughter duo caught on cam shoplifting sex toys
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
It must have been a bloody hard choice between Sarina and Broome.
And as for staid, boring old GW getting the gong on shittiest town, wtf? All I can say is we here in Mildura are not impressed that we didn't even rate a mention on the list.
Those fucking maggots in Sarina, the inbred fucking mongrels, give them to me, their rooting days will be over, for ever. I'll take them to my mates farm, once I've finished with them, and feed the to his huge feral pig. Alive, just.