STOA Newsletter #139
Vote for NSW's Shittest Town!
Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
Last week, Toowoomba took Townsville’s title as Queensland’s Shittest Town, and this week we feature our final and biggest state poll, New South Wales. We’ve shortlisted 30 shitty cities, suburbs and towns from across NSW, based on a combination of performance in previous polls, Power Rankings appearances, and your nominations on Facebook. The winner will progress to the national finals, where they will take on Adelaide, Capital Hill, Darwin, Glen Waverley, Launceston, Kununurra and Toowoomba for the title of Shit Town of the Year 2023. Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Palmerston
Built in the 1980s to house Darwin’s rejects and saddled with the city’s unwanted old name, Palmerston is the epitome of sloppy seconds. The planned satellite slum is filled with people driven out of Darwin by rising house prices, which makes a nice change from people being driven out of Darwin by people who live in Palmerston. Despite a climate so inhospitable that the air is easier to drink than breathe, Palmerslum is inhabited by numerous dangerous lifeforms including crocs, river snakes and gangs of grog-guzzling gronks.
Palmerstonians are creatures of habit, engaging in several regular traditions. On ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ they celebrate dole day by redistributing their payments to the local bottle-o. On Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, they patiently wait outside the police station for their loved ones to be released from the drunk tank. Once a week, Palmerstoners cut another couple of inches off their neighbour’s hose to make a new bottle bong. And every night they hold fun family events that normally involve drink-driving their unmuffled shitboxes to brand-new housing developments, where they decorate the freshly laid roads with vast murals of skid marks. Other popular Palmerston pastimes include punching grey nomads, pissing on passed-out long grassers, and tipping recent hospital patients out of their wheelchairs to pinch their catheter bags after mistaking them for goon.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Ballarat, VIC — Tourist family with disabled daughter assaulted by racist kids
Brisbane, QLD — Burglars steal ashes of old lady’s husband; cops accidentally pocket-dial domestic violence victim while talking about her tits
Townsville, QLD — Kids seen fleeing crashed stolen car with samurai sword; 80-year-old woman carjacked by feral girls
Lake Macquarie, NSW — Dickhead on e-scooter flees after breaking 4-year-old’s leg
Melbourne, VIC — Driver cut with machete during armed robbery; trains halted after brawl on board leads to passengers prying open doors and fleeing onto tracks; council somehow spends $2m on single swing and balance beam
Perth, WA — Two school students hospitalised and four arrested after pepper spray deployed through classroom air vent
Geelong, VIC — Burglar knocks on door of house he had robbed to ask for bag of stolen loot he had left inside
Alice Springs, NT — Tour bus passengers stranded for hours after driver stops to brawl with random
Sydney, NSW — Drongos roll truck full of stolen diesel on highway while trying to perform illegal U-turn
Port Pirie, SA — $8m of cocaine discovered on ship; Telstra disconnects entire town for a week; still shit
Vote: New South Wales’ Shittest Town
Click/tap on a town’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 27/11. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is New South Wales’ Shittest Town?