STOA Newsletter #190

Townsville Shines!

Towntown Takes the Brown Crown

Congratulations to Townsville on being voted Australia’s Shit Town of the Year for 2024!

This is Townsville’s third golden turd, following triumphs in 2021 and ‘22. Along with wins for Logan (2019, 2020) and Toowoomba (2023), the result means the Sunshine State has now shat out the past six straight winners.

Here are the final standings:

Townsville, QLD: 32.1%
Alice Springs, NT: 28.3%
Mount Druitt, NSW: 12.2%
Port Pirie, SA: 10.6%
Capital Hill, ACT: 5%
Bridgewater, TAS: 4.7%
Geelong, VIC: 4.6%
Broome, WA: 2.5%

Commiserations to all the shit towns that weren’t quite shit enough to take it out in 2024. Better luck next year!

If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe

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Shit Towns Books & Merch

Shit Towns books and merch make ideal Xmas gifts for your loved ones or hated ones!

Get ‘em here!

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Shit Town: Penrith

Image credit: Sardaka/Wikimedia Commons (CC BY-SA 3.0)

A bunker of blue-collar (or no-collar) bogans at the base of the Blue Mountains, Penrith is a super-slum notorious for its population of feral housos, yobbos and other ruffians. Despite the loose nature of its inmates, the Greater Western Sydney suburb is actually replete with amenities that any westie can truly appreciate: bespoke meth labs, palatial pokie dens and loads of wilderness in which to hide a body. The Penrith uniform consists of a mullet or rat’s tail, ugg boots and a flannel shirt with a pack of Winnie Blues tucked into the upper sleeve (unisex) with a Southern Cross tattoo on either the bicep (for men) or the right breast (for women). The most popular pastime involves proud Aussie primary school dropouts moaning that they can barely make their next meth payment because educated immigrants took all the jobs.

Penrith is commonly known by locals as ‘Penriff’ or ‘The Riff’ due to the local accent/speech impediment, a source of constant confusion for Sydneysiders passing through on their way to Liffgow or Baffurst. The pride of Penrith is its rugba leeg team, the Panthers, or in local parlance, the ‘Pamfers’. In recent years, the Pamfers have been snagging NRL premierships with the relentless monotony of a Kingswood single mum popping out another sprog. The team originally carried the derisive nickname ‘the Chocolate Soldiers’, which interestingly, given the make-up of their fan base, was not a racist slur but actually a reference to their shit-coloured jerseys.

Penrith is also home to the Museum of Fire, a tribute to both the suburb’s extreme summer heat and its long tradition of urban arson.

From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.

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Shit Town Power Rankings

1. Brisbane, QLD — Government lab manages to lose over 300 live samples of deadly viruses

2. Port Pirie, SA — Dozens of birds and flying foxes found dead with lead poisoning

3. Perth, WA — Riot squad called in after feral junior schoolies assault tourists and cops on Rottnest Island

4. Townsville, QLD — Grub drives backpackers to remote dirt road before robbing them at knifepoint

5. Gold Coast, QLD — Woman swallowed by footpath after underground explosion; Queensland Health worker could lose job after twisting colleague’s nipple and trying to grab his dick

6. Sydney, NSW — Drongo rescued after getting tongue stuck to public ice sculpture; woman crashes husband’s Mercedes while trying to ram husband’s mistress in husband’s other Mercedes

7. Bermagui, NSW — Drunk gronk breaks into police station to try to steal guns

8. Albany, WA — Serial public wanker bailed again after 3rd offence this year; gronk fined for false 000 calls and threat to blow up cop shop

9. Cairns, QLD — Ute gets bogged after skidding on front lawn before female passenger pulls down pants and has a piss

10. Launceston, TAS — Council considers desexing herpes-riddled park monkeys due to rampant inbreeding

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Fan Mail: Penrith

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That’s a wrap on the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter for 2024. We’ve got big plans for 2025 and it’s bound to be yet another shitty annus, so stick around!