STOA Newsletter #194
Sale Fail
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. In this issue we review the shit town of Sale in Victoria, and it’s a big week for the state in the Shit Town Power Rankings.
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Shit Town: Sale
Sale was originally named ‘Flooding Creek’ after some dimwit decided to knock up a town in the middle of a swamp at the confluence of several major waterways, then was surprised when the place duly flooded. The town was later renamed to Sale in honour of locals’ habit of selling anything not nailed down to pay for their next piss-up, a tradition that continues to this day.
Sale’s most notable landmark is the La Trobe Swing Bridge, Australia’s largest outdoor venue for wife-swapping gatherings. Along with the town’s carp-infested canal, the crusty old contraption was constructed in the 1880s after the local brains trust tried to turn the town into a trading port. The plan was unsuccessful on account of Sale being shit, and 30 kilometres inland.
Popular activities in Sale include walking at a brisk pace, piffing shopping trolleys into the canal, and lapsing into a coma due to stultifying boredom. Sale is so notoriously boring that it has recently become Victoria’s ice capital, as developing a crippling drug addiction is about the only thing that can make the Gippsland shitter tolerable.
Not content with frequent floods and rampant drug addiction, Sale also celebrates vaunted local founding father and piece of shit Angus McMillan with a sculpture commemorating his vital contributions to the Gippsland massacres. The appropriately hideous lump of rocks and concrete was apparently inspired by McMillan’s treasured hessian sack of human skulls that he kept as a charming keepsake of his killings. Locals have resisted calls to tear down the loathsome monument, supporting the theory that the further east you go in Gippsland, the redder the neck.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Melbourne, VIC — Psycho nearly bites off victim’s finger in road rage attack; pool lifeguard gang bashed while on duty; gronk allegedly rams police station
Sale, VIC — Meth head in ute hoons through middle of shopping centre
South West Rocks, NSW — Kids aged 10 and 11 loot 5 shops for cash, booze and clothes
Somerville, VIC — 3 feral teens arrested after allegedly pointing stolen toy guns at shoppers including woman with baby
Warragul, VIC — Shoplifting gronkettes allegedly threaten Kmart staff with syringe
Ballarat, VIC — Deadshits steal firefighting equipment from airport
Perth, WA — Bryan Adams concert cancelled due to massive sewer fatberg
Sydney, NSW — Couple caught rooting on train
Launceston, TAS — Pest accused of flashing cock for over 2 hours in public park
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Burnie
Some Valentine’s Day love letters in response to our Burnie review.
“Racist to bogans” 🤣 holy shit that’s the best thing I’ve read this week. These are the same people who call anyone with a pulse a leftist snowflake, decrying cancel culture for taking away their favourite words “poofta” and “boong”.
I love this every month I look forward to it. Keep up the good work