STOA Newsletter #196
Inner West
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review Sydney’s Inner West, share some fan mail from Kingaroy, and we have an update on Port Pirie in the Power Rankings. If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Inner West
Infested by well-heeled hipsters inexplicably fixated on drinking trendy coffee outside scummy cafes with crumbling cladding, gorging on expensive brunch at graffiti-coated eateries and buying daggy clothes from mouldy vintage stores, Sydney’s Inner West is a loathsome region where carefully curated Third-World squalor masquerades as culture. The Inner West could equally be described as a shit version of London’s East End or a war-torn ISIS enclave if terrorists had fedoras and flesh tunnels.
Less chardonnay socialists and more craft beer Bolsheviks, the residents of the Inner West are obsessed with the obscure—obscure cuisine, obscure facial hair and obscure sexual manoeuvres that they learned from their last Pornhub binge. If you wake up next to a young lady sporting a handlebar moustache chafed red raw from performing a ‘Reverse Tasmanian Devil’, then chances are you’re in Newtown.
The standard-issue uniform of an Inner Westie includes some purely cosmetic eyewear, an ironic tattoo of a childhood cartoon character and a dodgy mo that looks like it belongs on a rock spider rather than a barista. Popular activities include complaining about white privilege while letting your parents pay your rent, claiming to be a ‘male feminist’ while maxing out your credit card on OnlyFans subscriptions, and foisting petitions to ban microagressions against little people on unsuspecting middle-class types.
Inevitably, the hipsters of Marrickville and Newtown will continue living lives of bourgeois excess until they settle down, move to a suburb full of people who do actual jobs, and have kids with old-fashioned names that sound like people who died while exploring the Congo.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Alice Springs, NT — Piece of shit that assaulted baby absconds into bush after being granted bail to attend funeral; gang of primary school kids smash their way into childcare centre to steal lollies; hand sanitiser removed from some pharmacies as alcos keep drinking it
Kalgoorlie, WA — Man chops off his dad’s arm with samurai sword
Melbourne, VIC — Psychos slash random woman with machete in car wash; tiny-dick soccer hooligans photographed pulling Nazi salutes
Gold Coast, QLD — Dickhead jailed after using elderly woman as human shield during police pursuit; French backpacker sentenced for going on violent rampage in his undies; drunk gronk rescued after climbing 33-storey crane and falling asleep on ballast
Mareeba, QLD — Gronk steals car with teenage girl in back seat
Drouin, VIC — Pair of 9-year-olds allegedly start fire at primary school
Wynyard, TAS — Men break into mate’s house and assault him after suspecting him of rooting one of their wives
Carnarvon, WA — MP putting up campaign signs has car stolen and used in ram raid
Ayr, QLD — Gronk caught with oxy, meth, weed and stolen $69 sex toy
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Kingaroy
Some of the Facebook feedback to last week’s Kingaroy review.
I will say it again , brilliant, keep up the good work guys.
Re Frank Robinson’s comment re Kingaroy, I’m old enough to remember those peanut tanks burning down (c1951). Yes, prince george was a bit of a Viking and 12 months prior, made his dear daughter Elizabeth a prince as well. Then a queen, of course. Keep up the good work and hi to frank!