STOA Newsletter #207
Shambletown
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we stumble into Campbelltown, face the wrath of angry Kiwis, and round up the latest deadshits, dropkicks and dipshits in the Shit Town Power Rankings.
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Shit Town: Campbelltown
Campbelltown is fully sick. Fully sick in that everyone there has type 2 diabetes, gout or hepatitis C. Campbelltonians have their residency revoked if they fail to register at least three positives in an STI test.
A Sydney satellite that wasn’t flung far enough, the City of Campbelltown exists mainly as a place for Greater Sydney to store its most embarrassing residents out of sight of polite company. Common hobbies of Campbelltonians include hanging ciggies out of the gap where their front teeth used to be, begging for change at the station for a train they have no intention of catching, and slipping their electronic ankle bracelets to go and burn down a pub.
Among Campbelltown’s worst suburbs is Airds, which has a primary school and a high school conveniently located next to a juvenile detention centre, allowing for a seamless transition. The high school is Australia’s only one with its own birthing unit, methadone clinic and parole office. Airds was named after Governor Lachlan Macquarie’s wife, Elizabeth, who had AIDS.
The biggest event on the Campbelltown calendar is the Festival of Fisher’s Ghost, when the hometown of serial killers Ivan Milat and Paula Denyer celebrates the murder of a local farmer by sacrificing a virgin to Satan. The arduous task of actually finding a virgin in Campbelltown begins the day after the festival and usually takes the entire year.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Murwillumbah, NSW — Deadshit treasurer nicks $38k from volunteer fire brigade’s accounts
Binningup, WA — Dropkicks steal front lawn from dead man’s house
Maroochydore, QLD — Pest caught wanking in someone’s yard while patting their dog
Darwin, NT — Drongo accidentally shoots himself in the foot with homemade gun
Sydney, NSW — Drongo arsonist accidentally sets himself on fire while trying to torch barbershop
Perth, WA — She-drongo accidentally burns down house while trying to light drugs using homemade candle made from metho
Renmark, SA — Drug driver crashes into hospital
Hobart, TAS — 5 feral kids including 11yo girl charged over bottleo robbery
Lake Macquarie, NSW — Maniac films himself shooting shotgun out of moving car on busy street
Port Pirie, SA — SA Health building evacuated and employee hospitalised due to pigeon infestation; still shit
Fan Mail: New Zealand
Some of the response to our review of New Zealand.
Geoff Rissole Live
Speaking of New Zealand, Shit Towns co-creator/writer Geoff Rissole is halfway through his run of shows at the NZ International Comedy Festival, alongside Tasmanian comedian Charlotte Hansen. If you’re in Auckland, give it a hoon!
Get your tickets here.
As usual, most of the commentariat have difficulty expressing themselves. It's hard to read and embarrassing to think that these comments might be read by people in other countries who could assume that all of us are poorly educated morons. I really cannot believe there are people out there who are so illerate. Didn't any of you attend school?
Typos happen... you know I meant illiterate.