STOA Newsletter #206
Tasmania II: New Zealand
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review New Zealand, otherwise known as ‘East Australia’, ‘Queensland’s feeder club’, or ‘Tasmania’s Tasmania’.
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Shit Country: New Zealand
In many ways, New Zealand is a shit knock-off of Australia. Auckland is New Zealand’s version of Sydney, a heaving shitropolis beset by twin housing and traffic crises and featuring beaches that might be all right if they weren’t covered in cunts. Wellington is New Zealand’s Melbourne, a pretentious hipster haven full of cafes, craft breweries and wankers. Christchurch is known for its churches, dull grid layout and sky-high murder rate, making it New Zealand’s version of Adelaide but with way more earthquakes. The incest hotbed of Southland is Tasmania if it managed to attach itself to the mainland.
Other lowlights include the tourism and crime mecca of Rotorua, famous for hot mud and STDs. The southern ripoffolis of Queenstown has become the exclusive domain of Silicon Valley squillionaires building doomsday bunkers in anticipation of a nuclear apocalypse and lousy with European backpackers shitting on the pavement. Several centres including Waiheke Island and Coromandel battle it out for the title of New Zealand’s Byron Bay, where grubby hippies who call themselves ‘artists’ because they don’t have a job live incongruously amongst garish billion-dollar holiday homes. In between is an endless parade of miserable villages where ‘fashion’, ‘cuisine’ and ‘romance’ all centre around sheep.
New Zealand’s two national obsessions are homoerotic ball sports and a tedious film series about medieval midgets, both of which are celebrated to a painful degree. Another favourite hobby is promoting New Zealand’s ‘clean, green’ environment while simultaneously pumping fuckloads of cow shit and chemicals into its rivers. Kiwis are fiercely proud of their country — enough to wank on about its dubious merits to anyone in earshot — but not quite enough to stop them all moving to Queensland. All things considered, New Zealand is undoubtedly one of the worst parts of Australia.
For more information about New Zealand, see our Shit Towns of New Zealand books, available in stores and online.
Geoff Rissole Live
Are you a recently deported 501? Did you get knocked up by a Kiwi scaffolder and tricked into emigrating? Whatever the reason you have for being in New Zealand, we have the comedy show for you! Shit Towns co-creator Geoff Rissole is making his New Zealand International Comedy Festival debut alongside notorious Tasmaniac Charlotte Hansen. Loose is the best trans-Tasman team-up since that YouTube video of a wombat getting rooted by a tuatara. Four big shows, totally Loose. Get amongst it!
Get your tickets here.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Gold Coast, QLD — Deadshit ploughs through cemetery; woman charged after drink-driving to police station to report fight with her son; Southport named national syphilis capital
Katherine, NT — Gang of feral kids rob elderly woman; numerous weapons seized after mass brawl and ramming on main street
Newcastle, NSW — Gronk mows down road worker in stolen car before pulling meth out of bum
Ipswich, QLD — Drongo seen riding e-scooter on road with unrestrained baby
Launceston, TAS — Grub accused of throwing spew and poo from loo at prison officer
Adelaide, SA — Residents threaten to release CCTV footage of grub shitting in their driveway unless she returns to clean it up
Sydney, NSW — Hundreds of cars pop tyres after drongo truck drops trail of metal shards from Central Coast to Sydney
Brisbane, QLD — Mum busted with shotgun and ammo in car and meth up her arse; rando repeatedly sneaks on to family’s property to swim in their pool
Wollongong, NSW — Man allegedly bashes neighbour and steals his lunch because he thought he was a CIA agent
Perth, WA — Gronk allegedly assaults supermarket owner with wheel of cheese
Fan Mail: Parramatta
A Facebook message we received in response to our Parramatta review.
Jeez, you let NZ off lightly. I feel there are many deserving shitopoli in KiwiLand deserving of a full chapter to themselves. Aside from the ones you touch upon there's the dulness of Picton (kinda NZ's counterpart of Launceston - the ferry port to civilisation), lets not forget Dunedin and the feather up the arse has to be Greymouth.
As an ex South African living in Australia 🇦🇺 for the past 30 years I really enjoyed your Australian and New Zealand shit towns but you need to do a South African edition please!!!