Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
Last week we told you this email would include a poll for Melbourne’s Shittest Suburb. However, we couldn’t leave out Geelong — so the poll is now named Victoria’s Shittest Suburb and includes your 16 most nominated Melbourne ‘burbs on Facebook, plus two of Geelong’s shittier bits. You’ll find the voting form at the end of this email. (Geelong and Melbourne will also feature in their own right in the upcoming poll for Victoria’s Shittest City.)
Also in this issue: we profile Sydney’s plague-infested Eastern Suburbs, and follow up our popular Katoomba review by revisiting its local rival Lithgow.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Eastern Suburbs
Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs is home to some of the world’s most iconic beaches—unfortunately, it is also home to some of the world’s biggest dickheads. Populated largely by the feckless offspring of investment bankers and property developers, the most popular activities in the Eastern Suburbs include taking Instagram photos of your acai bowl, working for your dad and claiming to be an ‘entrepreneur’ on dating apps. The average Eastern Suburbanite is easily identifiable by their gym-sculpted rig, a wardrobe slathered in Ralph Lauren Polo logos and a timepiece more expensive than a Campbelltown fibro.
The Eastern Suburbs’ premier attraction is the world-famous Bondi Beach, a flog-frequented patch of sand usually covered with pasty British backpackers sunbaking themselves to the colour of burnt bacon and hoping to leave the Lucky Country with that most Australian of souvenirs, melanoma. The popular Bondi to Coogee coastal walk is great if you’re keen to case some flash houses or fall off a cliff. While in town, watch the Sydney Roosters, who take advantage of their fans’ natural proclivity towards financial fraud to be perennial contenders in the NRL (National Rort-the-salary-cap League).
Recently locals have launched a campaign to ban trains and buses from the Eastern Suburbs in order to cut down on the number of peasants who can freely roam their well-appointed streets. Who needs public transport when you have a Tesla powered solely by the owner’s smug sense of self-satisfaction?
Throwback: Lithgow
Cold, grey and stranded in the Blue Mountains, Lithgow is deader than a baby in a dingo’s den. The miserable ghost town is inhabited by packs of listless mountain people with pallid skin and dead eyes, all permanently adorned in trackpants, otherwise known as ‘trackie daks’ or ‘sex offender trousers’. The only daytime activities in town are sitting around, watching tumbleweeds roll down the main street and staring at people, while ‘nightlife’ consists of sitting around, getting smashed on cheap piss, watching the odd drag race down the main street and staring at people. If you do plan to visit, be warned that cracking a smile in Lithgow will get you beaten up.
Lithgow’s industry consists of numerous mines, mills, plants and factories all closing down as fast as they can. The only things still operating there are a train station that does a roaring trade on departures and a maximum-security prison. Lithgow was the site of the Small Arms Factory, a weapons plant manned entirely by people with small arms. The factory went belly-up when it became clear that its genetically challenged workers were significantly less productive than their competitors.
Lithgow’s premier event is the annual Ironfest festival, which includes a jousting tournament and a colonial war re-enactment, attracting virgins from all over New South Wales. A popular nearby attraction is the Glowworm Tunnel, which is popular mainly because it provides visitors with an excuse to briefly leave Lithgow. The disused railway tunnel is filled with glowing lights which are mistakenly believed to be glowworms but are actually the illuminated eyes of Lithgow locals lurking in the shadows and staring at tourists. In Lithgow, it’s not just the bracing cold that will give you shivers.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Gold Coast, QLD — Woman charged with drink-driving and meth possession after allegedly being found passed out at green light with toddler in car; gronk assaults backpacker, falls out of tree and jerks off in front of family picnic while tripping on LSD; ex-cop on coke charges begins porn career
Townsville, QLD — Feral kids smash up 50+ cars in car yard; pest flees after wanking in front of families in park; bloke bashes pub patron who hit on his mum
Atherton, QLD — Dickhead arrested after allegedly punching puppy in front of cops
Adelaide, SA — Grub allegedly steals $1k of toys from kids’ store after urinating on stock
Rockingham, WA — Gronk accused of nearly hacking off teen’s hand with machete
Whyalla, SA — Deadshit on dirtbike fires shots at two houses
Burnie, TAS — Occupants fight back with didgeridoo, guitar and pool cue after thugs break into their home with blockbuster and blowtorch
Toowoomba, QLD — Man on meth rams cop cars and hides in water tank after running from cops who aren’t even after him
Warrnambool, VIC — Gronk threatens to shoot council worker in the face for blowing dust on his Ford Falcon
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Vote: Victoria’s Shittest Suburb
Click/tap on a suburb’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 5/7. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is Victoria’s Shittest Suburb?
What about Northcote? I used to live there. The suburb is pure shit. It features the the second most obnoxious high school in Victoria. Camberwell High is the most obnoxious.