Congratulations to Caboolture on being voted Queensland’s Shittest Suburb, just weeks after being voted Queensland’s Shittest Town! It’s rare enough to be considered both a town and a suburb at the same time, let alone be the shittest at both. An incredible achievement!
Caboolture, Caboolture and Townsville (Queensland’s Shittest City) will represent the Scumcrime State in the national finals later in the year.
Here are the full results:
Caboolture: 20%
Fortitude Valley: 11%
Woodridge: 10%
Inala: 8%
Deception Bay: 7%
Beenleigh: 7%
Kirwan: 6%
Goodna: 5%
Garbutt: 4%
Kelso: 4%
Caboolture South: 3%
Heatley: 3%
Morayfield: 3%
Labrador: 2%
Kippa-Ring: 2%
Slacks Creek: 2%
Eagleby: 2%
Kallangur: 1%
Scroll down to read our brand new review of the runner-up, Fortitude Valley.
Don’t miss next week’s newsletter to vote for New South Wales’ Shittest Town! If you know any New South Welsh who’d want in on this vote, get them to sign up at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
P.S. Father’s Day is coming up, and Shit Towns books and merch make great gifts for grumpy old bastards everywhere! Available here.
Shit Suburb: Fortitude Valley
Fortitude Valley is considered Brisbane’s entertainment capital but would be more accurately described as a post-coital queef reincarnated as a suburb. Jammed full of dodgy nightclubs, dive bars, pokie dens, brothels, strip clubs, sex shops and Asian takeaways, the suburb is a sleazy Shangri-la for Brisbane bogans who can’t be fucked flying to Pattaya. Ironically, despite all the happy pills, happy hours and happy endings, Fortitude Valley is actually a miserable hole.
The area’s first European settlers were Scottish immigrants who were tricked into moving there by the promise of free land and ten-dollar hand jobs. Immediately filled with regret, they named it Fortitude Valley because you need copious reserves of fortitude to live there. The suburb was such a cesspit of sin that in the 1920s the Catholic Church decided it was in dire need of a giant cathedral. However, even the Southern Hemisphere’s biggest church couldn’t stem the flow of filth in Fortitude Valley, and the project was abandoned in despair after four decades of construction. The site now houses a six-storey sex complex called Satan’s Sluts.
No one actually lives in Fortitude Valley, but each night the sordid suburb is filled with shitloads of pill-popping roid ragers in skin-tight Tapout shirts power-chundering on shop windows, running in front of cars and coward-punching each other for shits and giggles, sweaty sex pests crawling the streets while their wives and kids sleep at home, and gaggles of eighteen-year-old girls wearing almost nothing seeing how long they can dance, squeal and take pouty selfies before their drinks get spiked. By day, the streets are covered in mentally disturbed individuals screaming screeds of nonsense while sitting in puddles of their own piss.
Several attempts have been made to change the Valley’s image as a den of debauchery but have met strong resistance. In fact, the suburb is Australia’s first official ‘Special Entertainment Precinct’, meaning its nocturnal carnage is protected by the government, making it the exact opposite of Sydney.
From our new book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available to pre-order now.
Throwback: Mount Isa
Mercifully tucked away in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, Mount Isa is a toxic desert hellscape with a lengthy rap sheet of shitness. The city revolves around its lead and copper smelters, belching pollution plants that provide work to the local population of deadset drongos and foolhardy FIFOs, as well as furnishing them with a free citywide sulphuric fart fragrance and bonus lead poisoning. Having babies with learning disabilities and third arms is all part of the job for the hardworking lead-heads of ‘The Isa’.
Another part of the job is embracing the oppressive heat of Mount Isa, a place so parched that even the so-called ‘wet’ season is dustier than the Parramatta Eels’ trophy cabinet. The influx of men to work in the mines has also turned the town into a veritable sausage fest, to the point where in 2008 the mayor actually suggested ugly women come to Mount Isa to get laid. Unfortunately for anyone keen on taking up His Worship’s offer, the lead smelter has rendered most of the male population impotent—or, ironically, lacking lead in their pencils.
When they’re not busily poisoning the planet, Mount Isans enjoy getting on the goon, fighting in the street, pelting cars with rocks and harassing backpackers at the Irish Club. Mount Isa’s smog-soaked sunrise can be a spectacular sight—if you ignore the silhouettes of shopkeepers hosing human shit off the footpath. The city’s premier event is its combined rodeo and mardi gras every August, when LGBTQ people are chased down the main street by enraged bulls.
As a result of the local death factory turning a bunch of bog-standard yobbos into a pack of CUBs (Cashed-Up Bogans), inhabitants of Mount Eyesore pay through the arse for the privilege of living in such a pootopia. Everything is exorbitant, from the price of drowning your sorrows at the local pub to the cost of escaping—a flight to Brisbane can set you back more than flying from Brissie to London. On the other hand, whatever it costs, it’s worth it.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Fan Mail
Some recent Facebook feedback from Sale, Perth and Port Pirie.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Bourke, NSW — Council shoots dead rescue dogs over ‘covid restrictions’
Eucla, WA — Woman towing caravan allegedly speeds through WA-SA border checkpoint, rams cop car, tries to run over cop, tries to set cop on fire
Cairns, QLD — Kids arrested after house allegedly ransacked and pet cat killed
Alice Springs, NT — Grub caught shitting on supermarket floor
Western Flat, SA — Gronk crashes car, steals car of witness who stopped to help, crashes that too
Perth, WA — Vegan activist slathers self in own period blood for naked protest
Townsville, QLD — Youths steal 2 cars after breaking into 6 dealerships; kids steal mobility scooter from retirement home; popular pub reintroduces dildo racing
Adelaide, SA — Man jailed after escaping hotel quarantine to go to the pub
Bondi, NSW — Couple spotted rooting on public cliff at 8 in the morning
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
New Book
Pre-order Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip:
Booktopia (Australia)
Mighty Ape (New Zealand)
Book Depository (worldwide)