Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
After you voted Byron Bay as New South Wales’ Shittest Town for 2021, it’s now time to determine NSW’s Shittest City. Using a population threshold of 100,000, we’ve selected a shortlist of 15 of the state’s shittiest big cities and large LGAs to choose from. Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
Also this week: we review Parramatta, revisit Penrith, and showcase some of the salty responses from Byron Bay locals to their Shittest Town award.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
New Book
Pre-order Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip:
Booktopia (Australia)
Mighty Ape (New Zealand)
Book Depository (worldwide)
Shit Town: Parramatta
The bit of Sydney that the rest of Sydney prefers to pretend doesn’t exist, Parramatta is a sprawling suburban shitscape dotted with RSLs, shopping centres and copy-pasted townhouses. The city is regarded as the CBD of Greater Western Sydney, or in other words, the capital of Shitsville. It is Australia’s oldest inland European settlement, having been settled before explorers discovered the vast myriad of better places to live. In its early days, Parramatta gained the nickname of ‘Australia’s cradle city’ due to all the teen pregnancy. It is now home to the New South Wales Police Force, who go where they’re needed most.
Parramatta likes to boast about its ‘vibrant culture’, which is true if ‘vibrant culture’ means casual stabbings, flagrant drug use and a CBD full of bands of roving junkies. Plans by the state government to relocate the Powerhouse Museum to Western Sydney have been mired in controversy, with many detractors suggesting that Parramatta will reject any attempt to instil culture there in much the same way that an organ donor’s body rejects a pig heart as something that doesn’t belong. In the meantime, Parramatta will have to make do with what has always passed for ‘culture’: a meat raffle at the RSL.
‘Parramatta’ translates to ‘the place where the eels lie down’, a reference to its awful NRL team. It’s not surprising that the city identifies with a spineless bottom feeder most at home in stagnant water and sewers. The Eels have done Parramatta proud with a long history of mediocrity coupled with some truly memorable off-field incidents, including drug possession, road rage and consorting with bikies.
From our new book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available to pre-order now.
Throwback: Penrith
A bunker of blue-collar (or no-collar) bogans at the base of the Blue Mountains, Penrith is a super-slum notorious for its population of feral housos, yobbos and other ruffians. Despite the loose nature of its inmates, the Greater Western Sydney suburb is actually replete with amenities that any westie can truly appreciate: bespoke meth labs, palatial pokie dens and loads of wilderness in which to hide a body. The Penrith uniform consists of a mullet or rat’s tail, ugg boots and a flannel shirt with a pack of Winnie Blues tucked into the upper sleeve (unisex) with a Southern Cross tattoo on either the bicep (for men) or the right breast (for women). The most popular pastime involves proud Aussie primary school dropouts moaning that they can barely make their next meth payment because educated immigrants took all the jobs.
Penrith is commonly known by locals as ‘Penriff’ or ‘The Riff’ due to the local accent/speech impediment, a source of constant confusion for Sydneysiders passing through on their way to Liffgow or Baffurst. The suburb’s most popular sports team is the Penrith Panthers, or in local parlance, the ‘Panfers’. The NRL team originally carried the derisive nickname ‘the Chocolate Soldiers’, which interestingly, given the make-up of their fan base, was not a racist slur but actually a reference to their shit-coloured jerseys.
Penrith is also home to the Museum of Fire, a tribute to the suburb’s long tradition of urban arson.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Mackay, QLD — Woman randomly stabbed by 16-year-old psycho while sunbathing on beach
Toowoomba, QLD — Bus driver flashes 60-year-old passenger; 12 and 13-year-old allegedly carjack woman then ask her how to drive
Batemans Bay, NSW — Lockdown extension blamed on ex-prisoner holding illegal party and refusing to cooperate with contact tracers
Townsville, QLD — Speargun and axe involved in massive street brawl; hospital doctor charged after allegedly taking photo of patient’s penis and sharing it around
Ravensthorpe, WA — Council CEO sacked over allegations he spent tens of thousands of dollars of shire funds on hookers
Auburn, NSW — Thug in dressing gown allegedly bashes driver at drive-through covid testing clinic
Darwin, NT — Boats collide and capsize as drunken revellers scramble to evacuate sandbar party with tide coming in; burglars steal pants off old man sleeping in his house
Sarina, QLD — Randy spray painter uses client’s car to visit prostitute, car gets stolen and used in a crime
Hobart, TAS — Prison escapee caught in stolen ute after 20 minutes on the run
Port Pirie, SA — Fishing ban extended for another year; contaminated soil found at high school; still shit
Fan Mail: Byron Bay
Vote: NSW’s Shittest City
Click/tap on a city’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 27/9. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is NSW’s Shittest City?
Absolutely hilarious! I love this writer, it's piss-taking banter at its true Aussie greatest. I love that the bogans are complaining about being late for their Meth-payment! I especially love the reflections about Byron. Classic insight! I mean, who doesn't wanna root a deadlocked anyone on the beach?!
Keep up the cracking great observations of STOA mate!
BTW...you readers know those quick news observations actually occurred right. Pretty shit eh?