STOA Newsletter #73
Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review Alice Springs, deliver another dump of power rankings, and following our popular polls to find Australia’s Shittest Big Thing, we announce our next competition.
Shit Town Showdown
Australia’s favourite shit-townament is back for its fourth season! Due to feedback, we’ve simplified the competition this year and will be sticking to one poll for each state and territory, rather than splitting up towns, cities and suburbs. The 8 winners will then face off in the grand final for the title of Shit Town of the Year 2022.
We’re starting next Monday with South Australia’s Shittest Town. The poll will be included in our next newsletter so you can vote directly from your inbox. If you have mates who will want in on this, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Alice Springs
Australia’s geographic anus, Alice Springs is an enclave of chaos in the middle of the outback. Despite having a name more suited to a menopausal jazzercise instructor, Alice Springs is known as the stabbing capital of the world, as well as one of the country’s capitals of youth crime and racism.
Fittingly for Australia’s arsehole, Alice Springs is full of dicks: marauding gangs of children piffing rocks at ambulances, jaundiced junkies swigging petrol straight from the bowser and rampaging rednecks beating up Aboriginal youths. It’s also home to hordes of lesbians left over from 1980s feminist marches, stampeding caravans of rabid camels, packs of baby-eating dingoes and pockets of terrified tourists.
Despite a complete absence of attractions in the town itself, Alice Springs has sprung up a tourism industry as a result of its relative proximity to Uluru (or ‘Ayers Rock’ in Racist Old White Person). The local economy is especially reliant on international visitors as they tend to have more valuable things to steal. Unfortunately for Alice Springs, the town is so shit that the governments of several countries have advised their citizens not to go there. In fact, the only overseas town willing to become an official sister city of Alice Springs was a village in Afghanistan. Even its biological sister cities of Palm Springs and Colorado Springs refuse to publicly associate themselves with their embarrassing sibling.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Canberra, ACT — Psycho allegedly laughs hysterically as she stabs paramedic in face with needle
Kalgoorlie, WA — Woman writes ‘fuck the police’ on cell wall with her own shit after being arrested for stealing meat, carrying knife and slapping IGA employee; gronk jailed for hurling beer cans at people including cop
Alice Springs, NT — Two couples rescued by bystanders after being chased by huge pack of child thugs
Melbourne, VIC — Mob of footy hooligans bash already-injured player; cops find 5000 pieces of allegedly stolen women’s underwear in house
Townsville, QLD — Bloke stabbed with animal bone during brawl outside police station; grubs dump massive pile of construction waste in national park
Adelaide, SA — Mother hurls rocks and bottles at media outside Children’s Court after 11-year-old daughter appears on assault charges; electrical cable thieves busted after cops follow tracks to their house
Newcastle, NSW — Gronk arrested for drink-driving after crashing into two cop cars outside police station
Norah Head, NSW — Gronk who was already disqualified from driving for over 40 years caught driving again hours after being bailed following police pursuit
Perth, WA — Maniac ram-raids two pharmacies to steal Tramadol
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
I believe the idiot stole Panadol at the two Perth Pharmacies! It was "over the counter" medication, not "prescription only" medicines.
For Shit Town Showdown SA, surely the finalists will be Adelaide and Port Pirie.
Nationally Alice Springs is certainly a contender, but NT has several other contenders such as Tennant Creek and Katherine, both worthy hell-hole Shit Towns.