STOA Newsletter #78
Vote for NT's Shittest Town!
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
Last week you voted Port Hedland as WA’s Shittest Town, and it seems the admin of a small Perth-based meme page was a bit upset by the result. We’ve compiled a few of their Facebook comments in the ‘Fan Mail’ section below.
This week we move on to the Northern Territory, with a shortlist of eight shit towns to choose from, based on your nominations on Facebook. Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
Also this week: we review NSW’s Central Coast, and it’s another big week of shocking shenanigans in the Shit Town Power Rankings.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Region: Central Coast
Combining featureless urban sprawl with some truly degenerate savagery, New South Wales’ Central Coast is a rat king of shit towns. Boasting such attractions as syringe-littered beaches, copious roundabouts and shit roads, the area houses a diverse array of arseholes including tourists, old people, thugs, human seagulls and people who work in Sydney but couldn’t bring themselves to live in Sydney.
The poo in the Cenny Coast’s crown is Gosford (short for ‘Godforsaken Hellhole’), the area’s derelict CBD. Full of deros, druggos and dole bludgers, the epitomical shit town is commonly referred to as ‘Mount Druitt by the Sea’, ‘Sandy Parramatta’ or ‘Nautical Campbelltown’. Popular activities in Gosford include asking strangers for cigarettes, spray painting your name on a train or keeping your pants up with a length of electrical cord.
‘Gosford’ is also slang for a particularly short skirt, as the town is close to a holiday resort called The Entrance. Appropriately, gosfords are the standard dress choice of the town’s carefree female folk, usually paired with a thin strip of fabric as a top and no underwear, while the blokes favour Tapout shirts tight enough to show off the fruits of their disciplined steroid abuse.
Gosford is home to the Central Coast Mariners football team, who play their home games at three-quarters of a stadium on the waterfront. Due to a dearth of fans, the ground only has stands on three sides; the fourth borders a road by the sea, allowing the Mariners’ usually wayward strikers to boot the ball into the drink with unsurprising regularity.
Other crapholes along the Coast include ‘Terrible’ Terrigal, the aptly named sex offender hub Tuggerah, and the activewear-wearing single-parent mecca Copacabana (named after a Barry Manilow song). The Entrance magically transforms into the Gaza Strip annually after being ravaged by Sydneysiders over the Christmas period. A popular Central Coast saying is ‘Get along to Ettalong’ — lesser-known variations include ‘Puff a joint at Buff Point’, ‘Get your bong ready for Long Jetty’, ‘Try chroming at Wyoming’, ‘Stroke your banana at Copacabana’, ‘Get put in a coma in Tacoma’, and ‘Get stabbed 57 times in the face in Wyong’.
Whether you are an old fart wanting to expire by the ocean or simply feel like being assaulted at a beach, the Central Coast is for you!
A version of this review appears in our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Launceston, TAS — Woman who dove into monkey enclosure moat to collect coins now at risk of fatal strain of herpes
Tuggerah, NSW — Grub fucks sex toy in shop, leaves mess for staff to clean up
Darwin, NT — Serial public masturbator handcuffed in court to prevent him wanking in front of judge
Buddina, QLD — 5 dogs die after suspected poisonings at beach
Geelong, VIC — Sex worker’s ex breaks into her house, dumps poo in her fridge and steals vibrator
Townsville, QLD — Gronk resuscitated after allegedly fleeing crash scene while drunk and biting cop
Perth, WA — Male stripper in SWAT costume arrested after bystanders mistake him for armed criminal
Melbourne, VIC — Restaurant to permanently close after drongo falls through front window while attempting scooter trick
Busselton, WA — Teen gets community order for using can of deodorant to set fire to shelf of corn chips in Woolies
Adelaide, SA — Student union rebrands with same name as porn site
Fan Mail
Vote: Northern Territory’s Shittest Town
Click/tap on a town’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 22/8. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is the Northern Territory’s Shittest Town?
That fucking maggot, poisoning dogs at Buddina, if I got my hands on the prick, we'd so how well what I've got in my laundry/shed would work as poisons. You hurt any defenceless animal, you're my enemy, no mercy, no quarter.
You realise the only reason people go to Tennant creek is that the petrol is up to 30 cents cheaper there than 3 Ways half an hour north. When the terrorists ( tourists) are driving east west across Australia it is worth doing that detour to Tennant creek to fill up , BUT you do this at your peril if you stay overnight ….Do not! .repeat DO NOT risk your life by staying overnight ….just fill up and head out quick before the marauding gangs realise you are easy pickings ☠️☠️☠️☠️