STOA Newsletter #103
Welcome to another issue of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
This week, by unpopular demand, we’re adding Adelaide to the series of slang maps we’ve been sharing recently (see Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane and New Zealand). The series is coming together piece-by-piece and all your suggestions are being noted. What nicknames for suburbs need to be added to future updates, or included on the upcoming maps for Gold Coast, Canberra and Perth? Let us know in the comments and we’ll pass your suggestions on to the mapmaker.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Adelaide Slang Map
A slang map of Adelaide created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Shit Town: Port Lincoln
Named by Matthew Flinders after his favourite nu-metal band Linkin Park, Port Lincoln only exists so people can confuse it with Port Augusta and Port Pirie. Port Lincoln is the one with less lead poisoning and more tuna—the Eyre Peninsula’s fishy foreskin. ‘Stinkin’ Lincoln’ is so tuna-focused that it holds an annual tuna festival featuring a tuna-throwing contest, offers bored tourists the chance to swim with caged tuna, and even elected a tuna mayor. It also hunts the shit out of critically endangered bluefin tuna and invented the ecologically disastrous tuna ranching practice, proving that it’s not so much the fish that the town celebrates but the obscene amounts of cash it brings in.
Once poverty-stricken, Port Lincoln has been transformed by tuna money and now boasts the most millionaires per capita in Australia—i.e. cashed-up fisherbogans living a beer lifestyle on a champagne budget. A short wander from the water reveals that the salmon-pink mansions and fancy new shops are a mere facade and, despite the tarting up, Port Lincoln is still quite the shithole—basically Whyalla with a bad Bangkok facelift. The sea and scenery are ruined by tuna farms and the shithouse beaches are covered in rubbish from fishing fleets. The local reservoir is no longer drinkable due to pollution and salinity. There is nothing for residents to do short of crashing a stolen jet ski into a fishing boat. This town proves that money can’t buy class—although it can buy ice. Clearly, Port Lincoln has taken to heart that old adage: let bogans be bogans.
From our book Sh*t Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Townsville, QLD — Cop cars flee after being repeatedly rammed by 3 stolen vehicles; 12- & 15-year-old girls charged after stolen car crashes through school fence; 14 kids hospitalised with vomiting & diarrhoea after eating lollies mixed with ‘white substance’ given to them by school bus driver
Alice Springs, NT — 6 vehicles stolen from Territory Families office; Aus Post suspends delivery to hundreds of homes following attacks on posties
Bundaberg, QLD — Teen films herself making her baby sister vape
Sydney, NSW — Pair of thugs bash driver through his sunroof in covid testing queue; apartment dweller keeps spewing all over people’s balconies
Ipswich, QLD — Gronk allegedly sets fire to house then steals car from man who stopped to help
Bloomfield, QLD — Drongo gets mauled by croc and his dog eaten after ignoring warning signs
Toowoomba, QLD — Champion racehorse tests positive for cocaine
Canberra, ACT — Alleged scooter thief arrested after being caught driving with hand-drawn paper number plate; man rescued from lake after being found paddling in circles in boat with bed sheet sail, broomstick mast and one oar
Adelaide, SA — Gronk charged with drink-driving in golf buggy allegedly stolen from Womadelaide
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Great research on SA slang names. Very accurate. FYI you had Mclaren vale as ‘the Vale’. Correct, but there’s another nearby place, Mclaren flat. Known as, ‘the Flat’. So we can differentiate - ‘the Vale’ and ‘the Flat’.
I live for your stuff. Not gonna try to drink coffee next time I read it.