Round 2 - Australia's Shittest Big Thing
16 massive monstrosities remain in our quest to find Australia’s Shittest Big Thing, and it’s now time to vote in Round 2. Scroll down to vote in our 8 second-round battles!
Voting closes Monday 13 June, before Round 3 (the Quarter-Finals) begins on Tuesday 14 June.
Revisit previous match-ups here (part 1) and here (part 2).
If you haven’t already, don’t forget to subscribe to have the next round’s voting form delivered to your inbox.
R2#1: Ram v Koala
The Giant Ram (Wagin, WA)
A lame knock-off of Goulburn’s Big Merino, Wagin’s Giant Ram looks like someone tried to order the Goulburn monument from Wish. WA’s version does at least have the added advantage of allowing visitors to walk underneath it, offering unparalleled views of its bulging ball sack.
The Giant Koala (Dadswells Bridge, VIC)
A gigantic red-eyed, hairy-eared replica of the only creature with more chlamydia than a local youth, the Giant Koala is the perfect mascot for the nearby shit town of Horsham: awkward, disfigured and looking like it’s been up for three days straight on a JobSeeker-funded meth binge. It also features the world’s only gift shop housed in a marsupial’s vagina.
Which is more shit?
R2#2: Prawn v Ant
The Big Prawn (Ballina, NSW)
There’s a reason prawns are so small: so we don’t have to be confronted by their creepy crustacean features at full size — until now. Plonked unceremoniously in the car park of Ballina Bunnings, the Big Prawn is enough to put any home handyman off their Sunday sausage sizzle.
The Big Ant (Broken Hill, NSW)
Broken Hillbillies are a befuddled bunch: they don’t know what state they’re in (observing South Australian time), they don’t know that cheese slaw is unfit for human consumption, and they apparently don’t know what ants look like — hence this hunk of scrap metal masquerading as a tourist attraction.
Which is more shit?
R2#3: Owl v Oyster
The Big Powerful Owl (Belconnen, ACT)
Let’s be honest — this is really the Big Powerful Dong. Nobody knows why Canberra’s attempt at a Big Thing is shaped exactly like a penis and scrotum. It’s as if penny-pinching bureaucrats grabbed an old dick sculpture off Gumtree, painted a couple of eyes on it and dumped it on the side of the road.
The Big Oyster (Taree, NSW)
Originally an unsuccessful restaurant and souvenir shop, the Big Oyster has since converted to a car dealership because nobody visits Taree. With a mouthful of windows that look disturbingly like teeth, it’s no wonder this yonic yawner is known locally as the ‘Big Mistake’. While oysters are famously known as an aphrodisiac, the only thing this oversized mollusc will inspire you to do is get out of town as quickly as humanly possible.
Which is more shit?
R2#4: Tassie Devil v Rubbish Bin
The Big Tassie Devil (Mole Creek, TAS)
Inexplicably lacking rear legs, the Big Tassie Devil looks like it’s desperately dragging itself from a chainsaw-wielding Tasmaniac who just sliced it in half. The disturbing devil does however get accuracy points for apparently having facial tumour disease.
World’s Tallest Bin (Kalgoorlie, WA)
Fittingly for a dumpster fire of a town, Kalgoorlie’s attempt at a Big Thing is a giant rubbish bin — or to be accurate, an eight-metre length of rusty pipe with some handles and ‘World’s Tallest Bin’ painted on it. The Big Bin was installed as a promotional prop to discourage littering, despite the irony that it is far too tall for anyone to use.
Which is more shit?
R2#5: Easel v Ugg Boots
The Big Easel (Emerald, QLD)
Emerald’s most prominent attraction, this giant version of a Van Gogh painting perched on an oversized easel is a tribute to the town’s long history of self-harm. Easel-y one of Australia’s worst tourist attractions.
The Big Ugg Boots (Thornton, NSW)
Appropriately, the bogan-infested city of Maitland hosts the Big Ugg Boots, a supersized shrine to Australia’s favourite sheepskin skank shoes (most of which are actually made in China from rat hides and political prisoners’ pubes).
Which is more shit?
R2#6: Stubby v Potato
The Big Stubby (Larrimah, NT)
As if a classic NT Draught ‘Darwin Stubby’ weren’t already big enough, an even bigger version exists in Larrimah. Sitting outside a pub in the middle of Northern Territory nowhere, the Big Stubby is the perfect celebration of good old-fashioned Aussie alcoholism.
The Big Potato (Robertson, NSW)
The main tourist attraction of Robertson barely qualifies as a Big Thing as it’s basically just a septic tank that someone painted brown and called a potato. Obviously designed by someone who had never seen a spud before, it looks more like a turd than a tuber. The Big ‘Pootato’ not only resembles a shit, but also suffered the ignominy of being welded shut because people kept defecating inside it.
Which is more shit?
R2#7: Banana v Mango
The Big Banana (Coffs Harbour, NSW)
The only thing sadder than basing your town’s entire tourism industry around a big phallic fruit is choosing one as generic as a banana. The Coffs monument’s uniqueness and therefore reason to exist have been shattered by similar erections in Mackay, QLD and Carnarvon, WA.
The Big Mango (Bowen, QLD)
Bowen’s ten-metre-tall misshapen lump of fibreglass looks more like a gangrenous gonad than a piece of fruit. The Big Mango was famously ‘stolen’ in 2014 in what was later revealed to be a publicity stunt for a fast-food chain. Keen-eyed observers were suspicious of the ‘theft’ from the outset as clearly no one would want to steal that piece of shit.
Which is more shit?
R2#8: Ned Kelly v Captain Cook
The Big Ned Kelly (Maryborough, QLD)
Maryborough celebrates its preponderance of local violent criminals with a giant shotgun-toting Ned Kelly looming over a servo, presumably with the intent of robbing it for a carton of durries. It’s a bit like erecting a six-metre statue of Ivan Milat on the side of the Hume Highway. Adding to the statue’s shitness is the fact that the bloodthirsty bushranger had no connection with Maryborough whatsoever.
The Big Captain Cook (Cairns Mount Molloy, QLD)
Incredibly, someone in Cairns thought it would be a great idea to construct a towering statue of Captain Cook giving an unmistakable Hitler salute (which also works as an accidental critique of colonisation). Very recently, Adolf Cook was toppled and moved from his home of fifty years in Cairns to a more appropriate location: lying on his arse in a scrap yard in Mount Molloy.
Which is more shit?
Keep an eye out next week for the Quarter-Finals!
So many deserving winners. It isn't easy choosing between the absolutely hideous.
the big Koala has be the worst of the worst. That hideous thing is what nightmares are made of.