STOA Newsletter #145
Bogan Blowback
Welcome to the second Shit Towns of Australia newsletter for 2024. This week we review Fremantle, recap the history of Australia, and present some spicy feedback to our Australia Day write-up, plus wrap up the assorted Australia Day carnage and the week’s other shitfuckery in the Shit Town Power Rankings.
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Shit Town: Fremantle
Fremantle is known by a raft of different names, depending on whom you ask. To locals it’s ‘Freo’, as its resident meatheads are unable to process more than two syllables at a time. To its traditional owners it’s ‘Walyalup’, or ‘the place of crying’, as one look at the place is enough to make even the staunchest bogan burst into tears faster than Steve Smith at a press conference. To anyone else it’s ‘Fremongrel’, ‘Feralmantle’ or ‘that horrible place near Perth’.
Fremantle has a long history of hosting deadshits of various descriptions. The city was named after Charles Fremantle, a British naval officer and accused child rapist. It was later home to ruthless American pirate Bully Hayes (notorious for his crimes against humanity) and former AC/DC frontman Bon Scott (notorious for his crimes against music). The city celebrates Scott with a bronze statue, around which bogans congregate to pay tribute to their hero by drinking themselves into a paralytic state and urinating on his likeness. Other ‘Freakmantle’ inhabitants include smelly hippies, drug-addled beggars and vicious thugs who flood the central city at the first sign of dusk.
Fremantle’s AFL team is called the Dockers, which is gay slang for a sex act far too filthy to describe. Appropriately, the team is headquartered at Cockburn. Despite representing Fremantle, the Dockers could not bring themselves to set foot there, instead playing their home games in Perth.
Tourist activities in Fremantle include visiting a plethora of old prisons, swimming at a windswept beach in front of copious cranes and stacks of rusty shipping containers, or getting mugged by a meth-head.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Significant Events in Australian History
65,000 BC - Aboriginal people discover Australia
3000 BC - The Egyptians discover Australia
1521 - The Portuguese discover Australia
1550 - Martians discover Australia (the first Australiens)
1606 - The Dutch discover Australia
1681 - The British discover Australia
1770 - The British discover the rest of Australia and declare the land to be completely uninhabited, despite the presence of about half a million pesky natives
1788 - The British begin shipping convicts to New South Wales, thus beginning the great Aussie tradition of establishing offshore detention centres in the Pacific
1808 - The New South Wales Corps stage a coup against the Governor after getting shitfaced on rum, which becomes known as the Rum Rebellion
1824 - The colony’s name is officially changed from New Holland to ’Straya
1854 - Goldminers stage a violent rebellion against the government because they can’t be fucked paying tax
1859 - Australian Rules football is invented as an elaborate practical joke
1869 - Australia remembers it has Indigenous people and starts nicking their children
1870 - Ned Kelly pioneers the hipster look
1901 - Australia plagiarises New Zealand’s flag
1923 - Vegemite is invented when yeast is accidentally mixed with wombat faeces
1932 - Australia’s military declares war on emus, and loses
1953 - Bob Hawke sets a new world record for skolling a yardie, which remains the single greatest achievement by an Australian
1960 - Future anti-boat people PM Tony Abbott arrives in Australia by boat
1967 - PM Harold Holt is eaten by a water dingo
1973 - The White Australia policy is abolished as Australia starts pretending it’s not racist
1979 - The release of Mad Max, a famous documentary about Australia
1985 - Rolf Harris presents the child abuse prevention video Kids Can Say No! (But I Hope They Don’t)
1989 - Cricketer David Boon smashes 52 tins on a flight from Sydney to London, earning him the Australian of the Year Award
1991 - Jack Karlson is arrested/molested for enjoying a succulent Chinese meal
1997 - Future PM Scott Morrison shits his pants in Engadine Macca’s
2013 - Swino the pig drinks three six-packs of beer and fights a cow
2016 - A pig called Apples and a kangaroo called Fuck It begin a sexual relationship
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Gold Coast, QLD — Boy and dad stabbed in own home by middle-aged intruder armed with knife and golf club; gronk fined after thrusting naked cock at randoms in park
Melbourne, VIC — Teenage cunts caught on camera beating up woman with Down syndrome at train station; triggered boomer goes ballistic on train after seeing anti-Australia Day shirt; Instagram pest pours milk all over randoms in river boats
Sydney, NSW — Nazis in balaclavas swarm train on Australia Day; 50 teenage boys and girls brawl with cops at Manly; drongo charged after accidentally handing cops bag of cocaine during random breath test
Bega, NSW — Sicko couple arrested on bestiality charges
Alice Springs, NT — 2 dorms destroyed in prison riot; gronks brawl with axe, machetes, iron bar and rocks in city centre
Townsville, QLD — Cops use chopper and horses to hunt naked fugitive in bush; vandals smash and torch multiple public toilets
Perth, WA — Bogan boaties brawl in river on Australia Day
Canberra, ACT — Petrolheads and security staff brawl at Summernats
Mildura, VIC — Druggo arrested after trying to break into police station
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Australia Day
This was the fourth year that we’ve posted about Australia Day on our Facebook page, and once again we were inundated with articulate, well-considered responses from some of the country’s finest scholars. Here’s a selection.
You can check out previous years’ Australia Day feedback here and here.
Thanks for showing the Aus Day comments you received....you just can't beat ' get a dog up ya' always a favourite and given the amount of times you report bestiality in the power rankings clearly it's a national obsession.
Love the feedback 😅 always the same drongos who can’t spell or string a basic sentence together. The same people who cry “I’m not racist” are the first to say “if you don’t love it then fck off!” Presuming you’re not a citizen 🙄 keep up the good work guys 🙌🏻