STOA Newsletter #177
WA's Shittest Town
Congratulations to Broome on being voted Western Australia’s Shittest Town for 2024! Broome will go on to compete with Port Pirie, Alice Springs and five more shit towns in the national finals later this year.
Broome saw off strong competition from 2022 WA champ Port Hedland and Fitzroy Crossing to sweep up the award. Previous winners Kalgoorlie-Boulder (2019, 2020, 2021) and Kununurra (2023) were well out of the title race this time.
Here are the final standings:
Broome: 14.1%
Port Hedland: 13.9%
Fitzroy Crossing: 13.4%
Perth: 10%
Kalgoorlie-Boulder: 9.1%
Halls Creek: 6.3%
Armadale: 5.9%
Mandurah: 5.8%
Rockingham: 4.7%
Kununurra: 3.4%
Karratha: 3.3%
Carnarvon: 3.1%
Geraldton: 3.1%
Albany: 2.3%
Norseman: 1.6%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for Tasmania’s Shittest Town! If you know any Tasmaniacs who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Broome
Languishing in northern WA, the most forgotten part of the most forgotten state, Broome is an ideal destination if you have committed a terrible crime and need to hide out somewhere where the locals have the natural curiosity of a dead echidna. Popular activities in Broome include committing welfare fraud, hosing condoms off boats and getting arrested for interfering with a camel. The town’s official sport is Red Can Green Can, a simple game otherwise known as ‘competitive alcoholism’.
Broome is famous for having beaches that look like a postcard, a neat trick that fools hordes of backpackers and Instagram whores into flocking to the town during the dry season, not realising that the rest of town looks more like the set for a film about a zombie apocalypse. When they reach the beach, they usually find that the sea has retreated a hundred metres, the sand is covered in camels and the only people actually using the water are the coastguard looking for boat people to torpedo. The best strip of sand is Cable Beach, so named because it’s the most popular place for locals to lay a cable. Upon leaving, tourists soon find that they have sand and red dust throughout their belongings and ingrained in every bodily crevice, which is probably why the place is called Broome.
Broome’s history is entwined with pearl diving, a job so safe and rewarding that it was initially given to enslaved Indigenous people and then whatever immigrant group happened to be on the bottom rung at the time. The town was attacked four times by the Japanese during World War II, but despite the Japs’ best efforts it managed to cling on like a stubborn skiddy on the bowl, where it remains—defiantly shit—to this day.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Melbourne, VIC — Animal shelter worker allegedly tries to sell dead man’s toe on black market after it was eaten and spewed up by the man’s dog; cops seize drugs and fake penis in raid of barrister’s home; Olympians’ medals stolen from his car
Geraldton, WA — Psycho in SUV allegedly mows down bunch of 3-month-old calves in paddock
Alice Springs, NT — Van stolen from aged care facility and burnt out by armed thugs; 6 puppies stolen from animal shelter; 200 gronks brawl with weapons
Sydney, NSW — Man in Squid Games costume tasered in train station after approaching cop with knife; feral parents brawl at U-12 girls’ rugby league match; maniac charged after allegedly stealing car, ramming multiple vehicles on highway and assaulting crash victims
Maitland, NSW — Meth head carjacks specially modified vehicle from woman with disability
Darwin, NT — Pair of prisoners escape by using rope of bed sheets; spectators pepper-sprayed during brawl in car park after 6 players sent off for fighting during women’s rugby league match
Hay, NSW — Gronk allegedly flashes dick at cops and threatens woman with hammer
Narromine, NSW — Gronks steal marked police car while cops attend car fire on railway tracks
Dubbo, NSW — Woman charged after allegedly shitting out big haul of drugs in hospital toilet
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Broome
