Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
You have already voted Moe as Victoria’s Shittest Town and Frankston as Victoria’s Shittest Suburb, but what’s the Garden State’s Shittest City? It’s time to find out. We’ve sifted through Victoria’s cities with a population of at least 100,000 and come up with a shortlist of 12 shitty options to choose from. Scroll to the end of this email to vote now!
Also this week, we revisit the shit town of Grafton following last week’s Grafton Cup, and mark the reopening of the trans-Tasman travel bubble for some states with our review of the New Zealand tourism mecca of Rotorua — the perfect destination if you want to holiday somewhere that smells like shit but can’t stomach Werribee.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Throwback: Grafton
Grafton was founded by self-proclaimed ‘cedar-getters’ and originally named ‘The Settlement’, suggesting the city’s founding fathers possessed the combined vocabulary of a learning-impaired toddler or the 45th president of the United States. Today, Grafton is best-known for its two dominant features: a gaol in the middle of town that ought to house all who surround it, and a double-decker deathtrap of a bridge with notorious hair-raising corners at each end. The bendy bastard links the deserted CBD with the slum named South Grafton and is appropriately accessed via Bent Street.
Grafton is populated by a variety of unsavoury types, including junkies making bumpers from gutter butts, rednecks writing country songs about fisting horses, and hoons doing doughies in their ‘show cars’ in between impregnating their underage girlfriends. The local league team goes by the name the Grafton Ghosts, presumably because they get killed in every match.
Grafton hosts an annual Jacaranda Festival dedicated to its favourite type of tree, which is the world’s weakest excuse for a half-day piss-up. Another half-day off not working is awarded for the Grafton Cup, which is like the Melbourne Cup but with shitfaced deros in wife beaters and league shorts instead of shitfaced deros in thousand-dollar suits. The most exciting thing that happens in G-Hole is when the bull-shark-infested Clarence River floods every few years.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Bubble Buddy: Rotorua
Whilst New Zealand features an abundance of shit towns, only one literally smells like the brown stuff. Every day, hordes of unsuspecting tourists are lured to Rotorua by glossy brochures and promises of primordial scenery, only to be greeted by a blanket of sulphuric gas, hot pools full of contagious diseases and the pervasive stench of an overflowing long drop. If you are fascinated by hot mud, then this city offers all the entertainment you can handle.
Rotorua inexplicably tries to brand itself ‘Roto-Vegas’, despite the closest thing to a casino there being the pokies at an all-you-can-eat restaurant. It also markets itself as a centre of culture, which is apt as culture can be found growing on the genitals of most of its residents. In Sulphur City, STDs and crime compete for dominance — it’s a hotbed of chlamydia, and is the only place where you can get your TV stolen while you’re watching it.
Popular activities in Rotorua include getting third-degree burns from a puddle, filling a Zorb with vomit, catching meningitis from a spa pool, or getting shitfaced and falling into a geyser.
From our book Shit Towns of New Zealand, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Adelaide, SA — Dog nearly dies after eating human poo containing meth and weed; kitesurfer charged with molesting whales
Townsville, QLD — Brothel goes 24-hour for Supercars weekend; gronk busted for drink-driving after flagging down cops to help him change flat tyre; woman tasered after allegedly taking meth, stealing Domino’s delivery car, setting someone’s lawn on fire and trying to burn down her own house with a molotov cocktail
Perth, WA — Gronk gets girlfriend’s car impounded after doing 146km/h through 80 zone tunnel; tradie accused of abusing member of the public while taking a shit on the side of the road
Murtoa, VIC — Brothers fined for destroying dead mum’s house with excavator to spite their sister
Ayr, QLD — Gronk tries to bite off cops’ fingers
Mackay, QLD — Burglar caught on CCTV losing his pants while robbing retail store; two blokes rescued and fined after hanging out on hotel roof with booze and mannequin
Echuca, VIC — Bloke caught driving while suspended to court to face charges of driving while suspended
Heathcote, NSW — Covid testing tent tagged with conspiracy bullshit
Grafton, NSW — Centrelink tagged with giant penis
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Vote: Victoria’s Shittest City
Click/tap on a city’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 19/6. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is Victoria’s Shittest City?
Vic Shit City list needs more City of Wodonga.