Congratulations to Melbourne on being voted Victoria’s Shittest City for 2021! Melbourne beat several parts of itself as well as a couple of regional shitty cities to take out the title. Melbourne will join Moe (Victoria’s Shittest Town) and Frankston (Victoria’s Shittest Suburb) as the Garden State’s representatives in the national finals later in the year. Here are the full results:
Melbourne (all of it): 23%
City of Frankston: 16%
City of Greater Dandenong: 13%
City of Ballarat: 7.5%
City of Greater Geelong: 7%
City of Melton: 7%
City of Casey: 6%
City of Greater Bendigo: 5.5%
City of Wyndham: 4.5%
City of Brimbank: 4%
City of Knox: 3.5%
City of Hume: 3%
Scroll down to revisit our Melbourne review and our list of the top 10 things to do there (when it’s not in lockdown). Also in this edition: we finally review Kempsey, one of your most requested shit towns.
Don’t miss next week’s newsletter to vote for Queensland’s Shittest Town! If you know any Banana Benders who’d want in on this vote, get them to sign up at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Kempsey
A rusting hulk of a town halfway between Brisbane and Sydney, Kempsey exists purely as a service centre for nearby places where people actually want to go. The town is so shit that it was not only bypassed by the rebuilt Pacific Highway but given a five-kilometre radius at a cost of millions of dollars to be on the safe side. The new bypass includes the longest bridge in Australia—the government broke a national record just to avoid the place.
Kempsey is renowned around the country for its two biggest exports: Slim Dusty and meth. The prolific Slim Dusty released over a hundred punishing albums of country songs, also known as ‘bush ballads’ or ‘purdy music sounds’. An estimated tens of thousands of sheilas have been impregnated by their brothers to a Dusty ditty. Kempsey is also famous for recording the highest ‘no’ vote in the 1967 referendum to recognise the Indigenous as people, adding rampant racism to its redneck rap sheet.
Kempsey is also well known as a crime-ridden craphole where even second-floor windows are adorned with iron bars, or ‘Kempsey curtains’. The town is crawling with gronks bricking each other, thugs mugging people on the railway pedestrian bridge and stray dogs picking through garbage. Activities for kids include asking strangers for ciggies, getting pregnant during P.E. class, and jumping off bridges into the turd-riddled river while trying not to land on the artificial reef made of dumped shopping trolleys and stolen dirt bikes. As if the crime weren’t enough, Kempsey is also built on a flood plain so often finds itself underwater, which is when local yokels usually have their annual bath.
Throwback: Melbourne
Melbourne has long been considered Australia’s bohemian capital, a bulging flogatropolis full of hirsute hipsters, craft beer wankers, militant vegans and ‘entrepreneurs’ blagging on about cryptocurrencies and angel investors. Melburnians’ favourite hobbies include moaning about Sydney, munching organic quinoa served on a garbage bin lid, pretending to understand foreign films, blockading streets because hamburgers made them sad, heroin, and making dirty alleys sound quaint by calling them ‘laneways’.
Victoria’s capital also claims to be the country’s sport capital, as locals are all either obsessed with sport to a sexual degree or make a point of hating sport in order to appear different. The city is the epicentre of the national AFL epidemic, a game so retarded it could only have been conceived by a convict with heatstroke and too much time on his hands. For those unacquainted with this rather esoteric sport, a ‘Sherrin’ is the ball, a ‘sausage roll’ is a goal and ‘the Brownlow’ is something that you might get after the grand final if your missus has had enough shiraz.
Melbourne was founded after a joker called John Batman swindled the land from its Indigenous residents and christened it Batmania. Today the city features a Batman Avenue and a Batman Park, which would be awesome if they weren’t named after a syphilitic mass murderer. For much of Melbourne’s history since, the city has been held by the gonads by organised crime groups that run massive drug, racketeering and assassination operations, but thanks to politicians and the media, locals are more afraid of ‘African gangs’ tagging their fence.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Top 10 Things to Do in Melbourne
Buy an overpriced coffee from a moustachioed wanker who looks like an Edwardian pimp
Get run over by a tram
Take a shit in a laneway
Witness the Victorian homoerotic ritual called ‘the AFL’
Immerse yourself in Melbourne’s ‘street art’ culture by spray painting your name on some cunt’s wall
Join the political racial panic over ‘African gangs’
Enjoy a local ‘craft beer’, i.e. normal beer with kerosene and cum in it
Die in a gangland shooting
Grow a man bun to hide your crippling lack of self-esteem
Get stabbed by a Collingwood fan
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Brisbane, QLD — Electrician gets suspended sentence after cutting off men’s nuts to make them eunuchs and keeping a testicle in his freezer
Canberra, ACT — Grub found guilty of flashing, stalking and doing a shit in arthritis charity’s therapy pool; prisoner escapes after corrective services car rammed by Jeep, later found hiding in a roof
Buxton, NSW — Gutless goons set fire to firefighter memorial playground
Burnie, TAS — Gronk gets home detention for reckless driving and squeezing cop’s balls
Townsville, QLD — Gronk rams cop car during 6-week meth-fuelled crime spree; 14yo girl charged with assaulting officer; man walking on road causes three crashes and hospitalises six people
Wagga Wagga, NSW — Armed robber with own name tattooed on neck somehow gets caught
Richmond, QLD — Duo jailed for stealing over 600 calves
Dandenong, VIC — Two women break into house, hit resident with his own frying pan and steal his sausages
Mount Compass, SA — Cars, buildings and goats targeted in graffiti spree