STOA Newsletter #75
Port Pirie: Still Shit!
Congratulations to Port Pirie on being voted South Australia’s Shittest Town for the third year running! Pirie will represent the Croweaters in the national finals later in the year. Here are the final results of the SA poll:
Port Pirie: 22.7%
Elizabeth: 13.7%
Snowtown: 12.9%
Port Augusta: 9.0%
Coober Pedy: 6.4%
Davoren Park: 5.9%
Mount Gambier: 5.9%
Murray Bridge: 5.6%
Whyalla: 5.3%
Adelaide: 5.1%
Christie Downs: 3.8%
Millicent: 3.8%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for Western Australia’s Shittest Town! If you know any Sandgropers who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Celebrate Pirie’s hat-trick with our ‘Still Shit’ merch (shirts, hoodies, stickers & more), available here.
Shit Town: Coober Pedy
Coober Pedy was named from the Aboriginal ‘Kupa-Piti’ meaning ‘white man’s hole’, which couldn’t be more appropriate. It’s also appropriate that the anglicised name evokes South Australia’s unfortunate predilection for paedophilia, but Coober Pedy is a town fond of a different kind of miner as the self-proclaimed opal mining capital of the world. Consequently, the town is populated entirely by toothless, leathery opal noodlers. Popular pastimes include pillaging the earth of its precious minerals, looking at a spaceship from a Vin Diesel movie that sits on a patch of dirt next to a public toilet, and dying of heatstroke.
Situated in the middle of the South Australian outback, Coober Pedy is a post-apocalyptic hellscape so inhospitable to human life that its only inhabitants huddle in subterranean shelters like the survivors of a thermonuclear conflagration. Above ground it’s a ghost town, a dusty dystopian wasteland littered with bits of rusted metal, used syringes, tumbleweed, and flea-bitten feral dogs baking in the sun while they wait for death. The only greenery in Coober Pedy is in plastic bags hidden under mattresses in its denizens’ prison-like bunkers, and the only tree to be seen is a lifeless scrap iron sculpture that looms ominously over the town. Fittingly, this distinctive landscape has featured in a slew of motion pictures, from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome to Priscilla, Queen of the Desert to the aptly named Until the End of the World. If someone wanted a glimpse into Australia’s future after it has been rendered an uninhabitable husk by the ravages of global warming then they could do a lot worse than visiting Coober Pedy.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Sydney, NSW — Feral fan charged and banned for life after allegedly climbing on SCG roof and taking a piss during Wallabies test; woman casually takes big sloppy shit on train; hoons destroy multiple sports fields
Townsville, QLD — 14-15yo kids arrested after allegedly ramming security car in stolen SUV; gronk hijacks Macca’s delivery car only to immediately crash and run away
Warrnambool, VIC — Gronk jailed for attacking cops with baseball bat and taser after they told teen to wear mask during lockdown
Melbourne, VIC — Gronkess jailed after ramming divvy van and running over two cops in Macca’s drive-thru before fleeing and crashing into tree
Adelaide, SA — Maniac flees after crashing stolen car into gas main, causing leak
Hobart, TAS — BMW smashes into two bowsers, causing $80k damage
Toowoomba, QLD — Drongo arrested for drug possession after walking into police station demanding a lift home
Wyong, NSW — Woman tests positive for cocaine after licking random substance off $20 note
Brisbane, QLD — Removalist charges $2000 to customer’s credit card because he left a bad review
Port Pirie, SA — Man chased into hospital reception by armed thugs; still shit
Fan Mail
Some of the Facebook response to our reviews of Tweed Heads and Warrnambool.
